Wrigleyville "Alamo Drafthouse" Opening, "Alamo Whorehouse" Available by Special Request

WRIGLEYVILLE — We’ve been saying for a while that Wrigleyville has the potential to be the Amsterdam of the Upper Midwest. Ok, we haven’t really been saying that, but it has a nice ring to it, right?  But are the rumors true, and will this new palace of artificial butter and squishy leatherette be complete with added “flair” to make it even more Amsterdonian? 

Nothing entices Wrigleyville residents more than a regular activity with an added high ABV for no reason, so it seemed that Drafthouse would be a no-brainer. But insider tips have told our staff that an extra tipsy trip to M3GAN isn’t the only thing Chicagoans have to look forward to this January. To really entice customers away from local movie theaters, they’ve added a Red Light District Twist. It’s a full-scale operation, including the sale of jockstraps and thongs emblazoned with “Best Little Drafthouse in Chicago” available in the lobby after the opening night screenings. 


“Thanks to the way politics run in Chicago, people were way more focused on other things, so we kinda just snuck the sex work element into the contracts, and no one blinked an eye,” Todd Vanwahl, 47, a manager at the Drafthouse, admitted to our reporters. 

We begged him not to go on to protect our plausible deniability as reporters, but he nevertheless continued. “It’s been difficult to find new twists on this chain. We’ve been around since ‘97, and there's only so many late-night horror sequels we can run for nerdy virgins while still maintaining our street cred. We need people to know that we fuck.” 

While we were a bit skeptical about why sex needs to be tied into a regulation trip to the 2:23 pm Tuesday showing of A Man Called Otto, he whispered suggestively in our ears,“certain Cubs players have agreed to give their services as a special opening weekend treat. We aren’t at liberty to say who … but the first ten customers get special hand stuff thrown in for free.” Add this as the kicker: We don't think they're talking about catchers' mitts, but this operation seems to have gone so far off the rails that we can't be entirely sure.

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