CHRISTMAS GHOST ISLAND — For the third time since his election in 2016, The Ghosts of Christmases Past, Present, and Future began to plan their now-annual tradition of haunting Donald Trump. The specters—who exist to make the powerful, greedy, and bad reflect on the toll their behavior has taken on their souls, friends, family, and community—have attempted to help Donald J. Trump see the error of his ways, but have so far failed to even get him to commit even a small amount to being a better person.
"It’s like, how many times can I show this guy how his wealthy father’s ambivalence toward him on Christmas morning caused him to treat his own children the same way? It’s such an obvious lesson to learn!” said The Ghost of Christmas Past, a cheerful apparition who takes the form of Trump’s childhood sweetheart. “He doesn’t even remember who this is, by the way. How am I supposed to remind him of better, more innocent times when he’s always been like this?!"
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Though the ghosts have vowed to give teaching Trump to be better one more try, the Ghost of Christmas Present, a large friendly giant in festive attire, expressed his own concern that the point would once again be lost on the President.
“This fucker is really getting to me, I’ll admit it. I definitely have the hardest job, because I’m in the thick of this news cycle, and I honestly can’t keep up with what I’m supposed to be teaching this guy. This year should I focus on showing him the toll of taking away people’s access to SNAP in the middle of the fucking winter or the kids dying in cages at the border? I have like, an hour with this guy, how am I supposed to cover everything he’s fucking up? Last year he confronted a seven year old about believing in Santa Claus on Christmas Eve! I’m clearly not getting through to him!”
The Ghost of Christmases Yet to Come, a robed skeletal figure, was even less optimistic about their role in the annual night lesson-teaching. “Actually the Ghost of Christmas Present has it easy - believe me. Aw fuck I’m even starting to talk like Trump. This isn’t a guy you can show a grave and he freaks out and changes his life. I showed him his grave TWICE and both times he said it was ‘fake.’ So I’m just standing there with this asshole in a metaphorical graveyard, saying ‘well, kind of, but it’s a glimpse of what MIGHT be, not what WILL be.’ Then he just told this meandering story about how ‘tremendous’ his grave will be. It sucked.”
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The Ghosts expressed scepticism that this year would be any different, but felt it was their duty to keep trying. “Every year it gets more grim,” said Present. “It makes you miss the days when you could just show a bad guy the Cratchit family looking sad and they’d get it and at least make an effort to buy more people goose meat.”
“Honestly, I thought we’d finally made an impact when Trump bought all that fast food for that football team,” said Past. “but then he just… talked about how hot they were? I just can’t get a read on this guy. Did you know where he took me when I asked him to show me his happiest Christmas memory? He took me to 2006, to watch him get interviewed by People magazine about how much he hates Rosie O'Donnell. That was Barron’s first Christmas!”
“This year I’m skipping the metaphor shit,” said Yet to Come, inhaling from a cigarette. “I’m shovin’ his ass right into that grave and I’m not letting him get out till he learns something. Hell, he could just say ‘I’m scared of dying’ and that would be something. We only have two more tries...well, maybe six.” At this, the other two Ghosts audibly groaned.
