IRVING PARK — In an effort to sustain social distancing rules while reopening its stores, the Starbucks Corporation unveiled a new no-touch coffee spray service on Wednesday.
“The one thing we know is that our customers hate waiting almost as much as they hate dying from a horrific virus,” said Irving Park location store manager Stanley Journeyman, 42. “This way you get the same smooth Nitro Cold Brew® you know and love, but straight from the tap and directly into your mouth and/or face depending on the barista’s aim.”
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The jets used to power the new coffee spray are reportedly a proprietary system copyrighted by Starbucks Corporation, though one can’t help but see the resemblance to a normal garden hose with a jet attachment.
“Of course much of our product inspiration comes from nature,” said Starbucks lead product designer Cesar Van de Camp, 45 “And in this case I was deeply influenced by how they hose down elephants at the zoo.”
Starting Thursday select locations will begin selling the sprays in ten second increments, including a deluxe service for those in a rush where two baristas combine their streams, cutting service time in half.
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“Literally we just call your name and you open your mouth and...we do the best we can,” said Danny. “And if you want any add-ins we do have an oat milk supersoaker.”
