CTA Narrows Down Search for Private Security Team to “Seven Wandering Ronin” or “Experimental Law-Cyborg”

March 16, 2022

CHICAGO — With ridership increasing on CTA buses and trains, complaints of smoking, harassing, littering, pissing and worse have risen sharply, and CTA employees are struggling to manage bad behaviors. Last week the CTA announced they were seeking to hire a private security force to monitor rail lines, and that they’d narrowed their search down to either a group of wandering ronin, or a company that’s promised to make a law-enforcement cyborg.

“We need help with providing security for CTA trains,” said Paul Gooseman, 56, a spokesman for CTA customer service, “Our staff is stretched thin, and reports of misconduct by passengers is on the rise. So we reached out to several private security companies and have now come down to either The Brothers of the Shattered Blades, a company of wandering ronin, or DymoTech industries, who have guaranteed their law-cyborg, “The Porter,” is ready for field testing.” 

“Clearly this is a hard decision. Both groups have laid out impressive strategies for keeping Chicago’s trains safe, but ultimately we’re going with whoever makes the most sense for the city’s budget without taking one thin dime away from the police force.”

Thanks to our sponsors:

The Brotherhood of the Shattered Blades, a group of seven former samurai who left their lives behind to wander and atone for various reasons including breaking of bushido code, vengeance, and in one case “being born born with a demon soul,” have offered their martial prowess and unwavering courage. Their leader, a former commander in a Daimyo’s army who gave up his name after killing the Daimyo’s son in a duel of passion, has promised that though they have limited man power, they would provide an affordable option to the CTA, since their services are free “as long as the cause is righteous.”

“We seven seek redemption,” said the ronin commander, his voice slightly muffled by the sōmen mask he never removes, “but honestly we’d settle for just being helpful at this point. Not a lot of bandits raiding villages in Illinois. Plus, the boys are all big Blackhawks fans. We’re Chicago guys at heart.”

DymoTech, a tech development company operating out of a mysterious island off the coast of Finland, has offered a counter proposal to the CTA—a law-enforcement cyborg with the intelligence and life experience of a human brain in a heavily armed robot body.

“We’re calling him ‘The Porter,’” said Dr. Ignatius Van Osterdam, 63, the lead scientist in DymoTech’s Biotech and Bioweapons divisions, “He’s has a lifetime of CTA experience in his head now that we found our volunteer, and plus the ability to rip a train car in half and kill at a distance of one hundred yards with this .50 caliber pistol we gave him. But don’t worry, he’s not going to be slowing down anyone’s commute! He’s made to be very polite.”

Though both companies have offered solutions to rising crime and misconduct on the CTA, opponents of the proposal of bringing in private security have issued concerns about their methods.

“The CTA is selling the security of its ridership with these companies,” said Mark Greeneee, 51, an advocate for a public transportation rights, “in just one week of testing, The Porter called three passengers ‘creeps’ and shot them in the dick, and the ronin filled an entire Green Line train with clever traps made to confuse and terrify larger forces, funneling them in to narrow corridors where two to three ronin armed only with katana and naginata could defeat overwhelming odds. Great if you want to protect a fortified position, but terrible for people trying to get back to Forest Park.”

“The safety of our passengers is still our top priority, even if we’re looking to outsource it,” said Gooseman, “but what other option do we have? Keep telling people to not piss and not smoke? Not going to work! So instead it’s gonna be ronin or robots, and that’s the consequences of everyone being shitty. Personally, I’m leaning cyborg. I know the guy who’s brain they used and he’s really a nice guy.”

Follow us

Sign up for the best of The Chicago Genius sent straight to your inbox.