ALBANY PARK — In a crafted statement delivered this week outside of an ominous, dilapidated three-flat on Hamlin Ave., a “spooksperson” for the Chicago chapter of the Hallowe’en Traditionalists Society stated in no uncertain terms that blow-up lawn ornaments of dragons were strictly verboten and not to be utilized this fall.
“Dragons are—simply put—NOT approved lawn decorations for this, or any, All Hallow’s Eve,” HTS Grand Ghoul Mordred Grimmsley, 45, announced on the stoop of his home. “Whether they are dragons, drakes, wyrms, wyverns, linorms, sea serpents or otherwise, they are not approved for use toward provoking screams and shrieks, and we at the Hallowe’en Traditionalist Society respectfully ask that you abstain from using them in any sort of terrifying tableau.”
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“Are dragons awe-inspiring? Certainly,” Grimmsley continued. “Can they evoke dread? Assuredly. But they are not acceptable Halloween decorations!”
When asked why the city was seeing such a surge in draconic decorations, Grimmsley became apoplectic. “It’s those damnable tabletop RPGs,” he insisted from in front of a 12-foot tall skeleton. “For too long they’ve been digging in horror’s backyard to pad out their ‘Monstrous Manuals’ and such. Anyone can see that!”
“Look at this!” Grimmsley continued as he produced a dog-eared copy of a monster manual. “Skeletons, ghosts, imps, ghouls, vampires…these are not creatures to be slain with a simple +1 broadsword, they’re meant to raise the hairs on the back of our necks and make us less comfortable with the idea of getting out of bed in the dark on a chilly fall night for a glass of milk.”
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“With so many horror creatures being forcibly inserted into these foolhardy flights of fantasy,” Grimmsley said, “is it any wonder that simpletons and oafs are going to get their wires crossed and assume every fantasy creature is an acceptable horror subject?”
Louphrelia Thornhallow, 33, Undersecreeptary of Scares and Screams for HTS, also explained that their fight shouldn’t be painted in a purely negative light. “At the end of the day, we’re fighting to keep Hallowe’en special,” she explained. “Sure, some people might insist that it’s wrong to stop people from celebrating the holiday the way they want to, but if we let dragon lawn ornaments slide, where does it end?”
“Do you want your next door neighbor putting up a bunch of orcs outside their house and then refusing to take them down until after Thanksgiving?” she asked. “Because that’s what you’re going to get.”
