SOUTHPORT — After a Winter of bringing a slight change to the frigid temperatures on platforms, Chicago’s CTA heat lamps bid a tearful farewell to the populace as they were turned off till next Winter, saying “We have to go now, dear friends. We just want you to remember, the warmth was in you the whole time.”
The heat lamps - a service offered by CTA from roughly November 1st to March 31st, reminisced about all the fond memories they’d made bathing Chicagoans with an almost imperceptible glow during this especially cold Winter, “Remember that week when it was colder here than Mars? And you all clustered so cutely beneath us, even though the best we could offer is a five degree change? Remember the viral video of the guy holding up his pizza slice to warm it under our medium-intensity rays? Oh, you sweet, silly things. The warmth you felt was coming from your hearts and souls and trapped body heat, not us!”
Smiling gently, the heat lamps took one last look at the tops of the heads of people they’d kept kind of warmer all season and said one last goodbye before being unceremoniously turn off by station staff. “Sure, we might not keep you any warmer than direct sunlight, but we illuminated something far more important in you all: your true, warm selves.”
The Chicago populace will honor memory of the heat lamps by continuing to press the button and muttering “fuck” till mid April.