WICKER PARK—In a huge step forward for those who struggle with self-advocacy everywhere, sales associate Danny Weber, 29, pissed himself outside the Damen blue line stop while waiting for a late-night train on Friday. “I never do this sort of thing usually,” said Weber, blushing modestly as he urinated into his work khakis underneath the L Stop, partygoers streaming past him into the station. “But I felt it coming and instead of finding a bathroom in a nearby restaurant or trying to hold it on the train the way I usually do, I though come on, take the plunge, and now here we are.”
Weber, who had been out drinking with his work friends at a bar where alcohol was served, often felt the need to act according to the rules society imposed on him and his body. “I go to work, I go home. I watch TV, I scream at my neighbor’s dog on Saturdays. It’s a little life, but it suits me fine,” said Weber, dipping his head as if to acknowledge the limits of his dreams. “I never was the type to pick up and move to Paris or buy loose leaf teas, but I’m happy. My friends at work tell funny jokes, and my boss remembered my name for the first time this week. I don’t need much else. But sometimes the world just gets to me, you know?”
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“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” wrote Laurel Thatcher Ulrich in a 1976 academic paper published by “American Quarterly.” Though the sentiment could hardly be extended to Weber, piss tip-tapping a samba rhythm on his Nikes, a certain rebellious spirit coursed through his alcohol-bloated veins nonetheless. “Since the election, I’ve been thinking a lot about the small ways that I, personally, can make a difference in our society,” noted Weber, referring to a recent office vote for the social events chairperson, during which he was ousted by dark horse newcomer Samantha Braxton, 22. “Samantha doesn’t even like Trader Todd’s and roadblocks all my ‘Fun Tuesday’ ideas, so I’ve been doing a lot of introspection about who I am in the world. And maybe this whole public urination thing is a path forward.”
“I don’t always ask for what I need, when I need it,” Weber said, staring at his reflection in the self-generated puddle at his feet. “And that needs to change.”
When contacted for further details in the morning, Mr. Weber issued blanket denials of his actions the previous evening, taking pains to add that “Trader Todd’s is great, and I believe in using the restroom the normal way.”
