WASHINGTON D.C. — Addressing the palpable confusion regarding the requirements for the still-being-negotiated $1400 COVID relief package, President Joe Biden is now reporting that he is instructing Congress to “just have fun with it” when determining who will be receiving these stimulus checks.
“Listen mack,” the 46th president reportedly said, “it’s, when I told Buddy Obama what we were, when I was in Wilmington, Delaware as a boy, my dad knew how to drive a car and man alive did he drive that car, so I says to Mitch O’Donnell that hey man, maybe I shouldn’t be saying this but I’ll knock your block off, buster, Scranton-style if you don’t have a swell time, with the, uh, stimulus, since it’s like we won Atlanta, and Alabama, and all the little ladies out in Dover they send me letters about how much they love me, so just have fun with it. Okay, bye bye.”
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“You know?” he added as he was ushered out of the room by several panicked aides.
In the halls of Congress, Senators and aides alike are abuzz with excitement over Biden’s new vision.
“When the vote-o-rama happened to get this thing passed in the senate,” sighed Hubert Frinkle, 23, an aide to California Senator Dianne Feinstein who’s in charge of propping her head up with a ruler when she falls asleep while Congress is in session, “wow...the energy in this room! Dick Durbin (D-IL) added his amendment to reduce the stimulus package for anyone who was found to have made problematic tweets in the past year right after Joe Manchin (D-WV) argued that maybe we should reduce the stimulus to $1000 so we have a little more pocket money in case we want to go to war with Iran in 2022? I got chills.”
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“Yeah I mean vote-o-rama rocks, I guess,” said Raphael Weingrod, 25, an aide to Lindsey Graham (R-SC) who’s in charge of photoshopping images of the senator’s teeth to make them “more normal” before he sees them. “To be honest it’s kind of a blur, but we decided to take President Biden’s words to heart in the spirit of bipartisanship and pack this bill with just the most nakedly evil shit we could think of to see if we could.”
While Weingrod failed to elucidate exactly what he meant to The Chicago Genius Herald, he did mention we should be “careful using incognito mode, unless you want a SWAT team breaking down your door at 3 am you un-American fucks.”
“Enjoy your reconciliation, idiots,” he added, waving across the way to Frinkle. “That dipshit thinks we’re friends. I think I told Senator Graham to put a resolution in the stimulus to have him sent to Guantanamo.”
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