CHICAGO—At a Friday news conference, CDC representative Dr. Jenna Grimsby announced the discovery of a life-threatening, charming, and just over 5’11” COVID-19 variant that scientists across the nation have dubbed “Derek.” In the address, Grimsby urged single Chicagoans to refrain from flirting with or yearning for the variant, as the mutation with an aloof, boy-next-door energy hit the city at the onset of cuffing season.
“This new one’s just a guy,” explained Grimsby, “but that doesn’t mean we can let our guard down. All modern vaccines have 0% efficacy against the Derek Variant, and getting a cat or new hobby is only 17% effective.”
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In addition to masks and social distancing, the CDC introduced new cuffing season guidelines to protect the city’s loneliest or horniest residents. Under the measures, at-risk populations are encouraged to limit gatherings to experimental theater, open mics, and other libido-killing events.
According to the CDC website, early symptoms of the Derek Variant bear similarities to its predecessor, with frontline healthcare workers reporting shortness of breath, chills, and sore throat as the most common signs.
“In the past, waking up with a sore throat was either the result of a COVID-19 infection or a night of chugging dick,” said local medical expert Tom Creamer, 33. “With the Derek Variant, it’s both.”
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Cases of the new variant have an incubation period of 2-14 days and a honeymoon phase of 3-6 weeks, with more severe infections resulting in joint pain, inability to communicate, and bed death. Despite warnings from both healthcare professionals and couples counselors, many have met the cuffing season with skepticism.
“A virus is nothing to be afraid of,” said radio personality Tabitha Hart, 43. “Especially one with a stable job at the pop-up brewery. Americans need to realize that there’s worse things than death, like being alone with your thoughts for more than 5 minutes.”
After releasing news of the variant, the White House instated a travel ban on several polycules, BDSM workshops, and over a hundred Wine & Paint nights in an effort to slow the spread.
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When reached for comment, the Derek Variant asked this Chicago Genius reporter if they’d done something with their hair, or maybe gotten new glasses, before inviting them to an arcade bar a few blocks away that does burlesque shows on Thursdays.
