WEST TOWN — After the fast-moving ruling around the Illinois lifted mask mandate, a Chicago man is fretting about the implications this change will have for the health of his tooth moss.
“It’s a fragile ecosystem in there,” said Aaron Haam, 32. “Keeping my mask on whenever I leave the controlled environment of my apartment has been an extremely effective way of ensuring the safety and wellbeing of my tooth moss.”
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The ever-shifting discourse around COVID-19 restrictions, as well as the fluctuating case levels, can make establishing consistency difficult, especially when propagating oral moss. One bad exposure can spell declining health and even death for a dental biome as fragile as Haam’s. “Keeping the teeth moist, earthy, and bacteria-rich is vital at all times,” said tooth botanist Dr. Peter Wet, 19. “Inhaling even one pungent whiff of Listerine could be life-threatening.”
The onset of the pandemic in 2020 provided the push Haam needed to cultivate his passion for body moss. “It’s something I’ve always wanted to try,” said Haam, shyly. “But having all that time at home finally made my dream achievable. At long last, I could design and grow the mouth plants I’d always wanted.”
Even seemingly safe activities like walking outdoors in an uncrowded area sans mask contains the potential for danger. “Say I’m walking in a field, right, and I decide to take my mask off because it’s a nice day,” said Haam. “And then whoops! I trip on a daffodil and fall onto a chicken coop, and the chicken wire in the fencing slides in between my teeth, tearing up my tooth moss and stimulating my gum tissue. That happened to my friend once, and it’s very scary.”
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While indoor dining and working out at the gym are undoubtedly easier tasks when unencumbered by masks, Dr. Wet argues that the discomfort of masking up is still worth it for the greater good. “Working out, when you’re just really hitting that cardio and sweating buckets—doing all that work with a mask off is just wasted potential.”
“Try hitting twenty burpees in a KN-95 and tell me that your mouth is not the perfect swampy biome preferred by most species of parasitic tooth moss,” he went on to say. “I dare you.”
Despite all his precautionary measures, however, Haam is petitioning for one city rule to change. “I’d really like to ride the train at rush hour without my mask on,” he noted hopefully. “My tooth moss would really enjoy feeding there.”
