MIDWAY — After a weekend of canceled planes and backed-up air traffic, Southwest Airlines is encouraging passengers waiting in Chicago Midway International Airport to maybe consider just settling there and forming a new society of airport-dwellers.
“We’re truly sorry for everyone who is still waiting,” said Jay McVay, a spokesman for Southwest Airlines, “but at this point, shit is majorly fucked on our end and it might be time to just accept Midway as a new home. Build some shelters in one of the terminals, choose a style of governance that works for you, maybe even form a new religion.”
Advertisement:
Of all the major airlines, Southwest was hit the hardest by the winter storms that caused issues across the country late last week. Citing issues with outdated tech, connecting flights, and missing crews, Southwest is encouraging passengers to start making tools and clothes from items and luggage they find around Midway.
“We understand people are upset, and we’re working hard to issue chunks of flint to all our passengers,” said McVay. “These can be used to start fires and shape stone into hammers, spearheads and axes. You also get one food court voucher!”
“I can’t believe this is happening, I’ve been here since Friday,” said Francine Trevors, 28, who was waiting for a flight to Missouri. “I missed Christmas with my family, and now they’re telling me I should go ahead and pick if I want to be a hunter or a gatherer before someone picks for me?”
Advertisement:
“Again, we’re so so sorry this has happened,” said McVay. “We bought our scheduling software in 1996 and had no idea it needed to be updated. Once we get it to stop making that weird beeping sound we’ll know where all your luggage was sent. We suggest that if passengers are forming a new religion, they should pray for their luggage to return.”
As confused and stressed passengers heard the news that flights could potentially remain canceled until 2023, many were starting to resign themselves to their new lives.
“This sucks, but whatever, man,” said Ben Gardner, 35, who has “already forgotten [his] past life”. “I’ve got a small hut I made by tipping over one of the food court tables and a successful career gathering used cups for my tribe to get free refills. I’ve even taken a wife! Her name was Beth but it is now Mydwai, she’s the high priestess! Sure, I guess I missed Christmas with my old wife, but that was so long ago.”
Advertisement:
“In the end, we are all just passengers on Mydwai’s great flight manifest. When it is our time to go, we shall be called to our gate.”
