CHICAGO – We’re one month out before the most decked-out, alcohol fueled, party rampage season of the year, and that’s saying a lot for Chicago standards. Our team of intrepid reporters and data-loggers have done research on every ‘topical’ costume from past hallowed eves, and we can already tell that your costume just isn’t gonna be it. Everybody else already thought to be the Rat Hole.
Chief Executive Costume Analyst, Rebecca Wardol, 52, shared some of her findings. “Our backlogs of information can confirm that anyone dressed as the Rat Hole will absolutely not get laid on Halloween. Openly declaring yourself as a hole ready to be filled over and over again isn’t really the subtle move that you think it is.”
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“Data predictions of the most eye-roll inducing costumes include Blackhawk Tuah jokes, which to be fair no one thought it was going to last more than a few weeks, but it’s time has come.” Wardol examined. Another bottom of the barrel idea: “some idiot who thinks it will be funny to dress as ‘the CTA’ and keeps making the joke that he almost didn’t show up to the party.”
Parents reading this might be wondering how to make little Montrose Roscoe stand out during the school Halloween parade. Chicago Hot Dog? Michigan Transplant? Our data indicated that absolutely any kid who’s anyone in CPS is dressing as Bluey, so there’s no use in attempting anything different.
Now you may be asking yourself, “Is there any original idea I can come up with to satisfy the demands of this overzealous satire operation? Is everything I think is relevant and trendy merely a flash in the pan in an era of constant oversaturation and overstimulation? For an answer, we checked with Chief Executive Wardol for comment. “Yeah, I mean, dressing up as the Bean is always fun.”
