opinion

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Marcus Pencil

Want To Improve Safety In Our Schools? Let Me Bring My Katana To Class

M’ladies and gentlemen of the venerable Student Council, I am but a humble man.

Tabor McPike

5-ingredient Dirt

C'mere! Do ya ever find yerself in need of a thunderous good meal betwixt yer mornin' whiskey bender and yet evenin' blowin' up a hillside?

Anna Hart and Edmund Pathfinder

Point/Counterpoint: Jamie Is Still out There Somewhere in the Snow Time

In his heart, Jamie knew the risks. He made a sacrifice - the ultimate sacrifice - so that he could get you, Anna, to safety.

Richard Hardshaft

What Stops a Bad Guy With a Gun? A Good Guy Who’ll Suck Him Off

I personally fantasize about what would happen to me if I was ever caught in an “active shooter” situation.

Mike Slonczewski

Da Problem Wit Da Mayoral Election Is Dat None Of Da Candidates Cater To Dumb Pigs Like Me

It is wit heavy heart dat I inform you dat none of da candidates are dumb enough to tackle da dumb Chicago hog vote in da upcoming election.

HRH Prince Friedrich Ruprecht Hapsburg III

Where Are Ze Little Treats for Me?

Ven mama left ze palace she said she vas going to bring me mein nonpareils und goo goo clusters, und she has been gone for a long time...do you know where she is?

Assoc. Prof. Carmichael Checkengine

Why We Don’t Really Know What Electricity Is and Why That’s Okay

Before you jolt out of bed to purchase your new electricity device or “e-device”, it’s important to know just what all the fuss is about.