MARYLAND — With multiple states experiencing new virus outbreaks and reversing their openings, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases have announced that, as a last-ditch maneuver, they have successfully shrunk Doctor Anthony Stephen Fauci down to the size of a human cell to fight the Covid-19 coronavirus one-on-one.
“Of course this wasn’t our first option,” sighed lead miniaturization field operator Casey Chambers, 54, wearing a lab coat as she injected a patient with a syringe containing Dr. Fauci suspended in liquid. “We would’ve loved to have literally any kind holistic national response handed down from the White House, but unfortunately without any executive leadership this is the only option available to us.’'
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A mothballed program from the 60s, not all the miniaturization technology has retained its efficacy.
“The laser guns don’t work anymore. That’s the biggest disappointment of all,” said Chambers. “And we’re not 100% on the un-shrinking part. But, again, it’s literally the only option. It was this or the widespread testing and contact tracing that every other country on the planet Earth has done successfully. Which I guess would be impossible.”
When pressed how Dr. Fauci is fighting the virus, Chambers rolled her eyes and revealed he insisted on using a trident.
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“He said he was on some ‘Poseidon Shit.’ He said he was ready to let the Devil out, whatever that means.”
Asked how one man was supposed to contain the epidemic, Dr. Fauci, who is still able to communicate using an equally tiny laptop simply responded with a .gif from the 2018 film Aquaman.
Re: Expectations on pandemic response
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Best,
Anthony S. Fauci, M.D., NIAID Director
While it remains to be seen if fighting the virus one cell at a time will have any direct effect, it has already been hailed as the most effective measure the federal government has taken to date.
