HYDE PARK — Highly caffeinated researchers at the University of Chicago have announced findings suggesting that individuals who walk at a leisurely pace are on average happier than the individuals trapped in an interminable holding pattern behind them.
“Either there’s not enough room to get by,” said lead researcher Kaitlyn Lucero, 45. “Or worse, there will be a single slow walker, or ‘slowie’, meandering back and forth without picking a fucking lane.”
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Medically inspecting these plodding pedestrians provided no physiological underpinning for their behavior.
“Much to our surprise, it seems that slowies actually have normal brains.” said assistant researcher Dylan Jonasse, 31, chugging from a Starbucks Doubleshot. “One theory is their hearts and souls must just be fucked up. We’re also looking into a possible humour imbalance.”
This Chicago Genius Herald reporter caught up with a slow walker sauntering home on Irving Park Boulevard at 5:50 PM on a Monday.
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“Sometimes I like to slow down and just breathe in life.” said Kevin Cornelia, 38, seemingly aloof to the fact that if he powerwalked to the bus stop there would be a 19% chance he could get home 4 minutes quicker.
“I’m in no rush to be anywhere but the present,” smiled Kevin, really rubbing it in the face of this reporter with a deadline.
The next step in the researchers’ research that they’re researching is to study the amazing extra-sensory ability of slow walkers to spontaneously amass in front of you when you have a train to catch. “We’re calling it Echolotraintion.” remarked Jonasse. “I came up with that and I’m probably going to get tenure.”
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“I don’t know why he thinks he’s going to get tenure,” said Lucero. “He’s a research assistant and he doesn’t even teach. God, Dylan drives me insane. I need to de-stress. I need to go for a walk and clear my head.”
"Oh God," said Lucero as the hum of activity in the research lab deadened to a stunned silence, every eye looking at her in disgust. "I'm one of them."
