Chicagoans Gather at Crosswalk to Receive the Holy Slush

Chicago, IL

Citizens from all corners of the city packed the intersections on Tuesday to partake in the divine sacrament of Slush.

“What the fuck!” proclaimed Markus Delante of Lower West Side as a 2009 Honda Civic piously accelerated into a pure trough of winter slop, anointing Markus in the holy gray gunk.

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The blessed liturgy of sublime sludge is bestowed each Snow Time only to those citizens whose hallowed hearts and ready to receive the glacial consecration.

“I’ll kill you!” prayed Cynthia Block of Andersonville at a FedEx truck after it blasted her pants with the sanctified slosh. She then ceremonially threw a full Starbucks cup of coffee at the truck; but a humble offering to the hallowed muck.

The truck driver, a humble servant of the exalted soup, then sped away, consecrating several more revelers at the next crosswalk.

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