Metra Plans High School Kegger Trains to Promote Lollapalooza Ridership

July 27, 2022

WEST LOOP – The Chicago Metra plans to encourage ridership during its busiest summer weekend by throwing a totally sick kegger for high schoolers riding in from the suburbs for Lollapalooza. The agency has struggled with regaining ridership to pre-pandemic levels and hopes the innovative event will remind all commuters that you’re allowed to get absolutely shitfaced on Metra trains. 

Initial plans to make the pregame Project X themed were shot down after the mostly Millennial planning committee was reminded that the movie came out 10 years ago. A potential Jock Jams theme was also dismissed for being “cheugy” and “try-hard” despite the numerous sports jerseys worn by skinny white dudes during the 4-day music festival in Grant Park. 

The Metra plans to borrow its older brother Amtrak’s keg tap, however the choice for alcohol is still undecided- “they all drink seltzers, right? Do they make kegs of seltzer?” The planning committee was initially worried about the legality of supplying alcohol to underaged drinkers, however CPD has assured that they do not care about any crime on trains, whether they be CTA or Metra. 

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The Genius Herald spoke with Naperville North student Sarah Jackson, 17, to see if she and her Lolla group planned on attending the event. She responded “Bet, say less.” 

We don’t know what that means, but believe it is an affirmative. When asked if she has responded to the Metra’s Facebook event, she explained that she didn’t understand what we were talking about either.

Inspired by the Metra promotion, the CTA hopes to increase Gen Z ridership with its new slogan “Buses are Bussin’, No Cap”, despite being labeled cringe.

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