Report Shows Asian Carp Completely Ignoring “No Asian Carp” Signs Along Illinois River

Ottawa, IL

In their annual report Thursday, the Upper Illinois River Authority announced that a nearly $20,000,000 initiative to erect signs prohibiting the spread of Asian Carp in the Illinois River has failed.


“We predicted the carp would be intelligent enough to read the signs, but we had no idea they would be smart enough to then ignore the warning signs and continue on their destructive path. This indicates a near-human level of intelligence.” said River Authority Board Member Richard Gill. “So we’re fucked. I mean it’s fine. We’re fine.” he mumbled, loading bullets into his Ruger Mini-14 rifle outside his home in Joliet.

While residents along the Illinois river have been advised to exercise caution along the shore, some are not taking the warnings seriously.

“They probably can’t read the signs” said local dullard Tim Jeffries. “I can’t believe I’m the only one saying this.”


Wise citizens are getting prepared as the fish make their way up the river.

“This is just like when the Ash Borers came” said Lukas Brock from Peoria, IL, who was nailing wooden boards over his windows. “And these’uns can get in your brain. Last week my wife left. She was saying crazy things, like that I was deranged, but I’m 100% sure it was a carp she run off with. Now they’re probably flopping around somewhere…”

As of publishing, the Upper Illinois River Authority had announced plans to institute a $500 fine to any Asian Carp found in violation of the statute.

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