chicago river

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To Honor 4/20, City Tie-Dyes River

“For the city to acknowledge 4/20 by dyeing the river, I feel like it’ll harsh the vibe. Like, kids coming in from Wrigleyville to eat one edible. That’s amateur hour. You gotta live this lifestyle all year round in order to really understand this momentous day.” 

New Chicago River Sensors May Make Slurpin’ Jude, The Guy Who Floats Down The River In A Barrel Testing The Water Quality With A Ladle, Obsolete

“It seems to me like we had a perfectly fine system already,” said kayak and old codger aficionado Bradford Fordley Brevins, 44. “You just spent a couple of days casing all 156 miles of the Chicago River until you saw Jude, you asked him ‘how’s it tasting today?’ and he’d give you an example right there on the spot.”

Asian Carp Problem in Illinois River to be Solved by Adding Crocodiles to River Followed by Killer Whales to Eat Crocodiles

“Look, we don’t have the time or money for two high-tech fish walls,” said Paul Portokowzik, 53, the head of the Illinois Fish and Game Department, “so we had to think ‘outside the banks,’ a little bit. That’s a river joke, by the way. I’m full of those.”

Report Shows Asian Carp Completely Ignoring “No Asian Carp” Signs Along Illinois River

“They probably can’t read the signs” said local dullard Tim Jeffries. “I can’t believe I’m the only one saying this.”