City Passes Bill Requiring All CPD Bullets Be Organic

March 14, 2022

CHICAGO — Ending Monday’s meeting with applause, the City Council successfully passed legislation requiring all bullets in CPD officers’ guns to be strictly organic. “The people of Chicago have spoken and we’ve listened,” said Mayor Lightfoot. “Now, no CPD officer will fire another bullet at an unarmed citizen that isn’t natural and GMO free.”

The “Blue Goes Green'' Bill, a response to protests against unwarranted shootings and other brutal acts by police, prohibits the use of copper and lead based ammunition in CPD issued guns, replacing them with ammunition developed from beeswax, tree sap, and chicken feet. The bill also includes prioritizing biodiesel fuel in armored personnel vehicles along with reducing lithium battery use in spy drones by attaching four traveler pigeons to the wings of each device. The mayor praised the unanimous support for the bill, calling it a clear example of the city’s dedication towards police reform. “I’m extremely proud of what we’ve accomplished today,“ said Lightfoot. “Of course, we’d love to fully curb unjustified police shootings of unarmed people of color. But let's be honest: fish gotta swim. Fortunately, the Council came together and formed a reasonable, doable compromise: toss out the outdated, toxic bullets and replace them with ones developed from materials free of artificial additives and pesticides.”

Opinions vary on the law. Opponents argue that forging bullets under  strict U.S.D.A. rules would be too expensive, adding approximately $500 million to a $1.9 billion for CPD, and would actually encourage, rather than stifle, police misconduct. “Frankly, I’m concerned about those pigeons,” said Roderick Davis, from Uptown. “You think cops are bad now?  Wait until you deal with a guy who’s spent hours cleaning bird shit out of drone parts.”  

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Supporters, however, call the law a significant move for police reform. “Would I prefer cops to quit shooting Black and Brown people on impulse?” said Oscar Ferrera, 36, from the Pilsen neighborhood. “Sure. But this is definitely a step in the right direction. When those bullets rip through your body, it’s a big load off your mind knowing you ain’t gotta worry about lead poisoning.” Others champion the bill’s eco-friendly policies. “Switching to biodegradable ammunition was a big seller,” said  Sandy Williams, 24, who collects bullet casings around the downtown area for recycling.  “No one ever discusses the litter of shells left on the ground. There’s well over two-million Latino and African-American people living here. But there’s only one Earth.”

At press time, Lightfoot was reportedly working on an executive order to replace riot control’s metal batons with ones made from banana trees.

 

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