CHICAGO — After yesterday’s revelation that Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s re-election campaign had sent an email to CPS teachers encouraging students to volunteer for course credit, the Chicago Genius Herald has been granted access to the correspondence. According to the mass email, Mayor Lightfoot made many promises to CPS students in exchange for help, including extra credit, a seat with the cool kids, and a reversal of the FDA ban on Juul vape pods.
“No cap, fam,” started the email from the Lightfoot campaign, going on to use numerous “Gen Z” buzzwords and slang. “Volunteering for the Lightfoot campaign is bussin.’ Join the Litfoot team!“
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The email enumerated a list of benefits to any participant in the Lightfoot re-election campaign. These promises ranged from tickets to see M3GAN to less tangible benefits, such as a guarantee the most popular kids at school would like them and want to hang out.
“I personally talked to those cool kids you like,” read the email, “and they said the only reason they don’t fuck with you is because they think you’re not willing to work a phone bank for no less than 12 hours a week for Mayor Lightfoot.”
“It’s definitely illegal to solicit our students like this,” said Mary Croften, 33, a CPS geometry teacher, “but a lot of the things this email promised I can’t imagine Lightfoot delivering on. I’m pretty sure the mayor of Chicago doesn’t have any power over the FDA, and I have no idea how she plans to make good on her promise to ‘make your exes fail their midterms.’”
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“And a private concert from BTS? I seriously doubt Mayor Lightfoot knows BTS, but I could be wrong.”
With the mayoral campaign off to a rocky start for the embattled Lightfoot, she expressed a hope that the city could quickly move on from this scandal.
“I think we have a lot to offer Chicago, especially our youth. I know I pissed everyone off with that curfew, but if you can just get over it and help me get re-elected, I’ll outlaw homework! I’ll not only bring back the mango Juuls, I’ll debut some new flavors I thought of, like ‘blackberry brickle!’ I know BTS! I talk on the phone with…the cute one all the time! Oh, you know the one I’m talking about. They can’t all be cute, right? Are they??”
