UKRAINIAN VILLAGE — As January ends, Chicagoans are beginning to wonder if this winter season might be the mildest in recent history. For a city used to preparing for a harsh winter, some residents are feeling like their preparation was pointless. Patrick McCartney, a resident of Ukrainian Village, is beginning to wonder if he saved a broken folding chair to use for dibs for nothing.
“Yeah this chair was old as hell, I had some buddies over to watch a movie and David sat in it and it broke.” said McCartney, 36, a pharmacist and street-parker. “Just totally fell out from under him. He made this hilarious noise like ‘HEEE-weee-wee-wee.’ You kinda had to be there, but it was really funny. So I was like ‘I’ll save this broken chair for dibs season’ and now I kinda feel like I’m just holding onto it to remember when David made a weird noise.”
Despite some snowfall in January, accumulation has yet to reach socially acceptable levels for dibbing.
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“Most Chicagoans agree that dibbing is only acceptable when snow levels are around the 8 to 10 inch mark,” said Martha Lewis-Kramer, 71, a weather historian, “the sort of snow that would swallow a small dog. Rule of thumb for me has always been ‘if a corgi can see, no dibs for thee. If a dachshund can trot, don’t dibs your spot! If a chihuahua can go potty, doing dibs would be naughty!’ I have a bunch of these, would you like me to keep going?”
“I got so excited when that snow was falling,” said McCartney. “I didn’t even have anywhere to go, but I was ready to go out there and dig out my car and just drive it around block a couple of times so I could use this fucking chair to hold my spot. But instead I just stood by my window holding the chair all day like a kid who really wanted to go sledding but couldn't.”
While temperatures have dropped significantly this week, long range reports show them rising again next week, and many Chicagoans are giving up the dream of illegally reserving a parking spot.
“I guess I just kept this fucking chair for nothing,” said McCartney. “I keep tripping over it in the middle of the night when I go to the bathroom, and it was all for nothing. But if I throw it away I know it’s going to snow like crazy. So I guess I’m stuck with it till I die.”