TINLEY PARK — As Chicago’s first full-size mass coronavirus testing center enters its second week of operation and passes 7,000 vaccines administered, the Tinley Park vaccination staff now finds itself facing an unforeseen threat from a different pandemic. Like so many occupants of the convention center before it, the entire staff providing much-needed vaccines to Chicagoans has come down with a nasty case of “Con Crud.”
The Tinley Park virus strain, which scientists were able to trace back to an outbreak during the C2E2 convention at McCormick Place two years ago, ripped through the vaccination staff at Tinley Park this weekend like so many flimsy posters of the Joker sitting on the Iron Throne. Both technicians signing patrons into the queue and medical professionals responsible for actually delivering the vaccine found themselves sniffling and shuffling around the convention center floor miserably on Sunday, under the pallor of a terrible cold that has likely been circulating around conventions in the Chicago area for years.
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Vaccine technicians interviewed by The Genius Herald reported that their top-of-the-line N95 masks and face shields worn to protect against COVID were useless against the “crud,” even bringing them in closer contact with the convention center’s other disease-bearing denizens.
“As soon as we showed up here in our gear a week ago, we’ve had a bunch of folks in cosplay gathering at the entrances. There’s no question that crowd of Deadpools brought it in with them a few days ago,” sniffed Ken Finck, 30, a nurse at the facility. “They just can’t stay away when a large group in masks occupies a convention center like this. I’m pretty sure I saw somebody in a fursuit lurking behind a pillar today too.”
The Genius Herald was also able to find a functioning Artist’s Alley operating behind the privacy curtains at the site, horny-Gwen-Stacy fan artists and tired-looking comic memoirists alike selling their wares to each other surreptitiously.
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One of the artists, who wished to remain anonymous, told Genius Herald reporters that they had been waiting to have a convention since the COVID pandemic began. “Nothing beats being exhausted by over-stimulus for a whole weekend while you mill around less than 6 inches from thousands of other people while touching almost every surface you can! It’s just so good to be back,” they said. “Too bad about the con crud. Always gets the best of us,” they added, before scurrying away from a vaccine staffer, zines and buster sword tucked under an arm.
Despite the grim outlook for the doctors and nurses at Tinley Park, a Health and Human Services spokesperson expressed optimism in an email to The Genius Herald. “Our staff at this facility is among the most qualified to handle an outbreak like this,” wrote Ariel Dansk, 31. “We have a plan.”
“Con crud is a formidable enemy. It’s maybe even harder to contain than COVID. But our medical training tells us to hunker down at our booth and sip on an overpriced green tea with way too much honey in it from the convention center ‘food trucks’ before traveling home and sleeping off our pounding headache for two days straight—and that’s what we’ll do.”
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