Wicker Park Walgreens Closes: Managers, Employees Sealed in Vitamin Vault to Sell Vitamins in Afterlife

WICKER PARK —  The end of the month marks the closing date of one of Wicker Park’s best places to buy beer and smokes: the Walgreens on Damen and Milwaukee. As the national pharmacy leaves the old bank building, employees bid a tearful goodbye before being sealed in the location’s signature “Vitamin Vault.” Forever locked behind the iron door of the vault, their souls will live on to sell vitamins in the afterlife.

“Our Wicker Park location was an eye-catching gem in Walgreen’s mighty crown,” said Lucas Everson, 33, a brand ambassador for Walgreens that was set to be sacrificed as the store closed, “but unfortunately the oracles have deemed it ‘too expensive’ and ‘demographically shifting.’ We’re going to miss this location, but at least we can take it all with us.” 


As the store turned off its lights for the last time, employees and one manager were anointed with fragrant oils from the store’s beauty department and allowed to pick one snack to take with them. Walgreens informed us the snack was not for consumption, but to pay the crocodile-headed ferryman to safely shepherd employee souls into the afterlife.

“This is a time of transition and rebirth for Walgreens,” said Sandra Diego, 43, a high priestess in Walgreens HR department, “we salute all our workers who will be serving in the next life. Of course, not everyone gets this opportunity, only a select few get to work for the one, true Walgreens.”

Employees not selected for entombment say the team chosen were some of Walgreen’s most devout, but some seemed resistant as the vault door closed.


“Yeah, Brian talked a big game about getting promoted to manager,” said Nick Wiseham, 23, a cashier at the former location, “but he was totally crying. That’s what you get for being an ass-kisser, Brian! You get enshrined in a vitamin vault forever, dude! Serves him right for rejecting my time off request for Christmas.”

As the doors to the vitamin vault are sealed one last time, Wicker park says goodbye to one of its quirkiest storefronts. Walgreens has already announced the opening of another location nearby, and warns any aspiring tomb raiders that the path to the treasures of the vault are beset with deadly traps and a curse on any who lay their hands on the vault’s sacred vitamins and supplements. 

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