Exhausted, Glowing Tom Skilling Warns His Powers Can't Keep Polar Vortex Away Much Longer

NORTH CENTER — Chicagoans are preparing for record low temperatures this weekend after WGN meteorologist Tom Skilling, pulsating with ancient energy, warned viewers he will not be able to stave off encroaching arctic cold much longer. 

WGN News at 10 viewers were startled to find Wednesday night’s broadcast interrupted by a nude, phosphorescent Tom Skilling hovering two feet off the ground. “VORTEX...GROWING. SAVE...YOURSELVES,” Skilling, whose clothes had long since disintegrated off his body, was reported to have said. He then held up a crudely drawn picture of a man being crushed by a snowflake before floating away.

Sources who spoke on the condition of anonymity said Skilling, who has been off the air since early March to recover from surgery, emerged from his stasis pod early Sunday and announced, “A tempest grows in the north,” before erupting in green light. 

“The Non-Blizzard of ‘87, the 1994 Almost-Tornado,” said weather anchor Paul Konrad, “Tom’s prevented some real whoppers in his day, and I’ve never seen him strain like this before. We’re doing everything we can to help him out.” 

“But if it’s taking this much out of Tom, we’re in for one helluva storm,” Konrad added, speaking from the crater that used to be the WGN Weather Center.

“All of us here are working around the clock to make sure Tom gets the support he needs to succeed,” said segment producer Kenneth Moore. “Over the years, we’ve learned the best thing we can do is keep him fed and hose him down every so often. We started feeding him a slurry of Colt-45 and rare earth magnets a few years back, and it really seems to revitalize him.”

Should Skilling succumb to the frigid will of the encroaching low-pressure system, Chicagoans can expect daytime highs of -16ºF and wind chills as low as -48ºF this Saturday. At press time, Skilling could not be reached for further comment between strained shrieks.


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