The smell of Guinness, the roar of the crowd. There’s nothing quite like the spectacle of Chicago on St Patrick’s Day. No matter the percentage of heritage in the blood, everyone in the Loop enjoying that verdant water is proud to be Irish, and proud to be publicly drunk. Sometimes the parade can get slightly off course due to the sheer volume of bottomless green mimosas, and last year’s parade is finally catching up to the finish line, right in time for the start of the 2025 parade.
“I didn’t even know we’d been walking for a full year, I was having such a blast!” 2024 parade participant Grady O’Toole, 45, remarked to our reporters. “Once you get into the rhythm of those bagpipes, it’s easy to lose track of time, route, and any of your life responsibilities and goals.”
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Scientists at the University Of Chicago are already hard at work researching this phenomenon, coined “A Kind of Severance Thing, but for Being in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade.” Marchers in last year’s parade appeared to have gone off route, and off grid, proudly proclaiming their Irishness as far as Hermosa.
“I did think it was odd when our Fourth of July party in Humboldt was crashed by a huge group of sweaty white people,” Anthony Vasquez, 16, recalled. Vasquez continued, “They just seemed ready to party, so we welcomed them. I guess in retrospect, it was weird that they all had green boas on.”
Families of the parade-goers didn’t seem too concerned to have their loved ones gone for the year on a beer-fueled rampage around the city. “Honestly that’s what we get up to most weekends anyway so how could I be mad,” Sal Gerando, roommate to O’Toole, 24, shrugged. “I’m just glad he’ll be back for tax season this year, the government might be upset if he doesn’t file two years in a row,” Gerando concluded.
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To prevent this occurrence from happening again at the upcoming festivities, city officials are planning to stand guard at the end-point of the parade, holding massive nets.
“It’s like the leprechaun traps kids make in school.” Chief of Parade Safety, Margaret Drummond, 53, explained to our reporters. “Except it’s on a human-size scale and it’s herding hundreds of drunk Chicagoans to prevent them from having their memories wiped and stuck in a never-ending St. Patrick’s Celebration.” Drummond explained, before chugging an entire green beer.
