UKRAINIAN VILLAGE — As January ends, Chicagoans are beginning to wonder if this winter season might be the mildest in recent history. For a city used to preparing for a harsh winter, some residents are feeling like their preparation was pointless. Patrick McCartney, a resident of Ukrainian Village, is beginning to wonder if he saved a broken folding chair to use for dibs for nothing.
“Yeah this chair was old as hell, I had some buddies over to watch a movie and David sat in it and it broke.” said McCartney, 36, a pharmacist and street-parker. “Just totally fell out from under him. He made this hilarious noise like ‘HEEE-weee-wee-wee.’ You kinda had to be there, but it was really funny. So I was like ‘I’ll save this broken chair for dibs season’ and now I kinda feel like I’m just holding onto it to remember when David made a weird noise.”
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Despite some snowfall in January, accumulation has yet to reach socially acceptable levels for dibbing.
“Most Chicagoans agree that dibbing is only acceptable when snow levels are around the 8 to 10 inch mark,” said Martha Lewis-Kramer, 71, a weather historian, “the sort of snow that would swallow a small dog. Rule of thumb for me has always been ‘if a corgi can see, no dibs for thee. If a dachshund can trot, don’t dibs your spot! If a chihuahua can go potty, doing dibs would be naughty!’ I have a bunch of these, would you like me to keep going?”
“I got so excited when that snow was falling,” said McCartney. “I didn’t even have anywhere to go, but I was ready to go out there and dig out my car and just drive it around block a couple of times so I could use this fucking chair to hold my spot. But instead I just stood by my window holding the chair all day like a kid who really wanted to go sledding but couldn't.”
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While temperatures have dropped significantly this week, long range reports show them rising again next week, and many Chicagoans are giving up the dream of illegally reserving a parking spot.
“I guess I just kept this fucking chair for nothing,” said McCartney. “I keep tripping over it in the middle of the night when I go to the bathroom, and it was all for nothing. But if I throw it away I know it’s going to snow like crazy. So I guess I’m stuck with it till I die.”
