Covid-19
The Latest
Chicago “Vax Pass” Sold to Ventra
Chicago public health authorities responsible for organizing the city’s planned “vaccination pass” program have sold the project to the company responsible for the CTA Ventra system.
Wrigleyville Vaccination Site Opens, Closes For Redevelopment
North Side residents hoping to secure a vaccine appointment at the site this week were met with busy signals and boarded windows after a surprise press conference from Tom Ricketts, who announced the closure alongside new plans to tear down and redevelop the space.
Vaccination Sites To Offer Little Leather-Bound Menu With Choice Of Shots For Residents Who Would “Really Prefer” One Or The Other
“They were so accommodating, and the menu had little gilt edges. They even brought out a Perrier for me. My only complaint is that I would have liked a Topo Chico instead.”
Chicago Sees Surprising Uptick in COVID Cases Despite Not Following Guidelines, Doing Whatever We Want
“I just don’t know how we got here,” said Brian Synder, 29, a cashier who’s been hosting weekly murder mystery parties with his friends, “I feel like we were so close to getting the city back to normal and now I’m hearing there’s more cases? What’s up with that? What happened to the vaccines I heard about?”
To Ensure Only Chicagoans Receive Vaccine, United Center Now Requiring Recipients to Perform The Super Bowl Shuffle in Its Entirety
Chicagoans who successfully perform “The Superbowl Shuffle” and receive their vaccines will also receive a card labeling them a “True Chicagoan” that can be used for discounts at local restaurants and to drive down Western Ave at any speed they feel like.
New Friend in Social Pod Concerned With How Many Pod Members Imaginary
“I was psyched when Danny texted me to hang,” said Branton. “I have a roommate, but I’ve been working from home since last March and I felt like I was getting pretty stir-crazy. I was a little wary when Danny said a couple of his friends would be joining us, but I was even more wary when I got there and they didn’t exist.”
Social Distancing Pods Enter Custody Battle Over Mutual Friend
The two friend groups, who have come to depend on Booker’s regular Zoom-sci-fi-B-movie nights and Italian apertivo / Mario Kart tournament nights respectively, began threatening legal action Thursday when the group known as “The Nat Pack” formally claimed Booker for their own.
Nothing Left To Give Up For Lent
Chicagoans representing a wide variety of Christian traditions reported via this survey and others that they are “at rock bottom already” and “can’t possibly imagine what the hell else God would want at this point.”
Entire Vaccine Staff at Tinley Park Convention Center Catches Con Crud
Vaccine technicians interviewed by The Genius Herald reported that their top-of-the-line N95 masks and face shields worn to protect against COVID were useless against the “crud,” even bringing them in closer contact with the convention center’s other disease-bearing denizens.
Art Institute To Extend Monet And Chicago Through June For Any Artphiles Who Think They’ll Still Be Alive By Then
"Chicago boasts one of the largest collection of Monet pieces outside of Paris, and we feel it would be wrong not to extend this very special, very Chicago display until the early summer for any lover of art who isn’t planning on dropping dead due to the gross negligence of anyone operating any lever of power in the next five months.”
