To Honor 4/20, City Tie-Dyes River
“For the city to acknowledge 4/20 by dyeing the river, I feel like it’ll harsh the vibe. Like, kids coming in from Wrigleyville to eat one edible. That’s amateur hour. You gotta live this lifestyle all year round in order to really understand this momentous day.”
Man Experiencing Body High Wishes He Was Experiencing Buddy High Instead
“They say it’s called ‘indica’ because it puts you in da couch,” he added. “But right now it’s putting me ‘in da feelings’.”
Socially Distant Joint Passed to Self
“I just took the joint from my right hand with my left hand and then said ‘Thank you, Megan.’ Then I guess I said ‘You are welcome, Megan. Then I smoked some more.”
Chicago Recreational Marijuana Shortage Traced to Paul
According to many industry insiders, Paul was spotted on the security camera footage of every single dispensary in the Chicagoland area, in some cases returning multiple times in various disguises in order to get past per-customer maximums.
Lightfoot Announces That Starting Jan. 1st You’ll Be Allowed to Smoke Weed at Nick’s House
Some residents on Twitter have called for explicitly looser regulations, citing the numerous places in Chicago where they should be able to “get lit,” “roast a frickin’ J,” and “smogke a Beg asS bblont on te chrismas traiN [sic].”
City Introduces New Gladiator Battle Program for Dispensary Licenses
Quite a few hopeful applicants arrived at city hall in the hours after the press conference, aiming to be among the first to chisel their names into the Arena Entrant tablet.
Friend with SLEEP Tee Somehow Most Levelheaded About Marijuana Legalization
“Look, I’m not saying taking taking a heavy rip doesn’t make a heavy riff rule, but we also should consider how the sudden legalization of a controlled substance is going to fall prey to moneyed interests who are going to move quickly to capitalize on what will undoubtedly be a massive market for Illinois."