LAKESHORE – Chicago’s foremost Drinking Holiday is upon us, and the city is one-upping the classic river dyeing to a grand scale. Tourists and locals alike have long marveled at the seemingly magic transformation of the river into something resembling the Emerald Isle, but they expanded this year’s tradition to the entirety of Lake Michigan.
“Everyone expects the river to be dyed green, it’s become old hat,” Martha Larchmont, 48, City Holiday Ambassador, told our reporters. “What they could never see coming is dyeing one quadrillion gallons of water a bright, resplendent green. That’s right, one quadrillion. That’s a real number, you can check.”
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Some Chicagoans were excited about this bold endeavor, the type of people who’s entire summer Instagram story consists of videos of the lake, like they’re the sole documentarian responsible for capturing her beauty. However, some territorial city-dwellers are skeptical about the viridescent shores reaching our neighbors in Milwaukee and Michigan.
“They shouldn’t get to enjoy our green water tradition!” Local opinion-haver Curtis Reinfeld spluttered to our reporters. “St. Patrick’s Day is our thing. It’s OURS.” We tried pointing out to Curtis that technically, it’s Ireland’s thing, but he’d stormed off to angrily shotgun eight Great Lake Irish Ales.
Resident Water Artist, Anjali Patel, 25, was shifty when we tried to get a straight answer on how exactly the city pulled this off. “The um, the water coloring properties of a river versus a gigantic lake are pretty easily, you know, transferable,” He confided to the Genius Herald staff. “It makes perfect sense that we could do one as easily as we do the other. Just don’t think too hard about the logistics, okay? And it’s good for the lake, it actually likes it.”
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So grab your beachside loungers, and head on over to the marvelous beauty that’s Lake Michigan on this St. Patrick’s Day. No riverwalk parades or activities needed, just a sense of good old fashioned Irish wonder, and a hair tie to keep the wind at bay. You’ll surely be awe-struck by how, by some miracle, they’ve managed to change the hue to a bright, garish green. Somehow.
