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Scientists Found the Last Remnant of Asteroid That Killed the Dinosaurs and Shot at It

“This is for the gentle Diplodocus you fuck,” whispered paleontologist Danny Rodriguez, 38, as he wiped tears from his eyes and emptied three consecutive magazines from an AK-47 into the lifeless piece of space metal.

Supposed “Code Ninja” Having Hard Time Programming Wearing Komusō-Style Straw Bascinet

“We’re really looking for someone as silent as a blade of grass, as deadly as time itself, and skilled in object oriented programming. So far Nick is zero for three.”

Boyfriend Squishes Spider That Was Keeping Ecosystem from Collapsing

“We have a flip flop just for squishing bugs,” smirked Scott. “We live in a basement apartment so it gets a lot of use, but this was the first spider we've seen in a while, or really any kind of bugs. And come to think of it, that was a comparitively small spider.”

Apple Announces iOS 13 With “Dark Mode,” Exclusive Merchandise Partnership With Hot Topic

Apple announced that alternative clothing retailer Hot Topic would be their first ever exclusive merchandise partner, calling the decision “a new phase — no, it’s more than that.”

Scientist Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Rogue scientist Dr. Wilhelm Scull addressed the world today via satellite take-over to deliver a dire, strongly worded message. “Peoples of the Earth,” he began from an undisclosed location, “come on….what are we doing here?"

New Evidence Suggests We’re Living in a Reality Where the Matrix Movies Exist

"It’s basically like the Bible meets Plato's Allegory of the Cave, but with robots. It completely rips.”