Chicago
The Latest
Lime, Bird, Others Dare Chicagoans to “Ride the Lightning” and Try an Electric Scooter
“We are just so excited for the roll-out, pardon the pun, of our electric scooters in Chicago,” said Christina Alverez, a publicist for Lyft, “we looked at factors like Chicago’s sprawl, the aggressiveness of midwestern drivers, and the built-in market of 18-35 year olds with high income who prize convenience over personal safety and thought ‘we might actually get these people to ride these things.’”
What The Hell: Roommate Had Car This Whole Time
“I thought Dave was a bro, but this really cranks it for me,” said a distraught Mason. “I bailed on Greta Van Fleet the last time they played the Rosemont Theatre because I didn’t want to take the blue line all the way up there, and when I told Dave this he just said, ‘damn man, that sucks’ like he couldn’t do anything about it, when he totally could’ve.”
Chicago Horny for Summer
Chicagoans are fuckin’ horned up for Summer. Just absolutely rubbin’ on the carpet, red-faced, rippin’ at their clothes, screaming ‘OOOOW-OOOOOGA!!’
Flattened Rat Corpse Potent Metaphor
People described experiences ranging from a strong desire to call their parents and tell them they’re sorry to finally telling that obnoxious co-worker that you won’t be attending their one-man show because life is too short to support bad art.
Summer Reading Gone Too Far: Chicago’s Rat Population Has Read “Nimh,” and They’re Pissed
What was supposed to be a fun way to keep kids’ minds engaged over the summer has become some kind of rage-fueled class warfare for these guys.
New Rat Exhibit at Field Museum Definitely Not Rebranded Rat Infestation
The new, permanent exhibit, which takes place on every floor and in every gallery of the historic museum, highlights the evolution of modern rat as well as giving visitors a chance to see numerous live rats.
Friend with SLEEP Tee Somehow Most Levelheaded About Marijuana Legalization
“Look, I’m not saying taking taking a heavy rip doesn’t make a heavy riff rule, but we also should consider how the sudden legalization of a controlled substance is going to fall prey to moneyed interests who are going to move quickly to capitalize on what will undoubtedly be a massive market for Illinois."
Safest Path Into Journalism Being Elected Mayor Of Chicago
Journalism programs across the country have begun advising students to become Chicago’s mayor first if they’re serious about making a career in a newsroom.
Man Reading Book On 'L' Twisted Little Pervert Desperate For Attention
"When he found where he’d left off the last time, he made this horrible little smile that just made my blood run cold."
Ricketts Family Unveils Plans for “Poors Only” Bleachers At Wrigley Field; Cubs Fans Rejoice
Todd Ricketts clutched a sack with a large dollar sign printed on the outside as he reassured the entirely unconcerned crowd that “binocular rentals will be available for these peons.
