Chicago
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Gesticulating Architecture Tour Guide Accidentally Traces Dread Sign of Flauros In Air
His enthusiastic gestures towards Chicago’s midcentury masterpieces immediately began summoning the demon and his thirty-six legions to our mortal plane, a hail of fire emitting from the top deck of Chicago’s Classic Lady.
Completed Cloud Gate Given Brushed Steel Finish
Josie Wilson, a Logan Square resident who attended the unveiling ceremony, agrees with the artist: “You can finally just enjoy the bean-shape without being confronted by your own reflection.”
Old Guy in Oil Portrait at Library Was Probably a Really Good Dude
"If his portrait is hanging here, I think it’d be safe to assume that he was a pretty good person."
Popularity of Air & Water Show Inspires Spin-Off Earth & Fire Show
The week-long event will be held in and around Soldier Field and will feature various earth and fire-themed exhibitions like mud wrestling, monster trucks, fireworks, and bonfires all culminating in a pitched tank battle with the US Army’s “Dirt Angels.”
Air And Water Show Stretches Into Second Week As Military Fails To Contain Giant, Radioactive Rahm Emanuel
The first indication that things weren’t going to plan came early on Saturday morning, when Mr. Emanuel, now a 50-foot-tall glowing monstrosity capable of exhaling a devastating atomic heat ray, made his way to the Lakefront from the now-destroyed neighborhood of Ravenswood.
Headliners JB and The Pritzkers Insist They Earned Their Spot At Lollapalooza Just Like Everybody Else
When asked about the disparity between their plum spot in the Lolla lineup and their <1,000 Spotify streams, Linda Pritzer rolled her professionally whitened eyes. “Listen, we sent in an audition CD just like everybody else.”
Capt. Hook Gleefully Renews Humboldt Park Lease
Hook himself expressed great relief that he could continue terrorizing residents now that "that blasted demon of the deep has been vanquished.”
Unmasked: Turns Out the Humboldt Gator Was Just Old Man Richardson Scaring Teens Away From The Treasure of Humboldt Pond
“I guess it was weird that the gator called out ‘leave this place, boooo!’ when I saw it, but I’d never heard an alligator, so I thought ‘hey, maybe they talk like ghosts.’”
Budlong Woods Gharial Feeling Pretty Left Out By Alligator Coverage
“I’m not the scariest-looking prehistoric lizard around to be sure, but look at this,” the gharial said before waddling into a group playdate, playfully snapping her jaws and chirping with a theatrical gusto as young parents screamed and fled the park with their babies.
Gator Bob Hinting This Would Go a Lot Faster If Someone Would Just Nut up and Go Swimming with an Open Wound
“You know, I’m doing the best I can with my traps and such,” Gator Bob said, unloading several pool noodles and two live chickens from the back of his truck, “But there’s only so much I can do until someone bleeding freely from a cut or an orifice decides to step up and go for a swim with the gator.”
