The Latest

Tired Art Institute Security Guard Kisses Last Painting Goodnight, Turns Off Lights

The nightly ritual, which sees a rotation of security personnel stopping by each and every object on display in the museum to lovingly kiss them and whisper “goodnight, sweetie,” has been part of museum protocol since 1987.

Wait Wait...Don't Carry Me! WBEZ To End Controversial "Peter Sagal's Palanquin Bearer" Internship

However, proponents of the internship insist that many palanquin-bearers go on to do great things—Robert Krulwich’s current cupbearer is a former intern, and innumerable others staff the Gimlet Media ancestral open-concept loft office as scullery maids, rampart guards and more.

Shuttered Garrett’s Popcorn Location Declared Superfund Site

EPA officials were seen exiting the site in HAZMAT suits covered in CaramelCrisp drizzle and were overheard saying “at least now we don’t have to wait in line for this garbage.”

“The Warmth was in You The Whole Time,” Tearful Heat Lamps Bid Farewell to Chicagoans Till Next Year

After a Winter of bringing a slight change to the frigid temperatures on platforms, Chicago’s CTA heat lamps bid a tearful farewell to the populace as they were turned off till next Winter, saying “We have to go now, dear friends. We just want you to remember, the warmth was in you the whole time.”

Dib-D Spot Declared Sovereign Nation

Dave Hillger, the self-appointed emperor and sole resident of Davekanda, has already issued dire warnings to any that might encroach on his nation’s soil.

Report Shows Asian Carp Completely Ignoring “No Asian Carp” Signs Along Illinois River

“They probably can’t read the signs” said local dullard Tim Jeffries. “I can’t believe I’m the only one saying this.”

“I Heard It’s Going to be an Early Spring,” Predicts Asshole Who Knows Nothing

“I Heard It’s Going to be an Early Spring,” Predicts Asshole Who Knows Nothing

Chicagoans Gather at Crosswalk to Receive the Holy Slush

“What the fuck!” proclaimed Markus Delante of Lower West Side as a 2009 Honda Civic piously accelerated into a pure trough of winter slop, anointing Markus in the holy gray gunk.

Cool 'L' Drivers Exchange High Fives While Passing, Lose Arms

“There was just like a real crisp fiver, then a wet snapping sound, and then like, all these screams."