“I’m actually just listening to make sure this holds up to our standards before we release it” recounted David Dennis, who records his ironic bad-business-idea podcast “Entrepremanure” into a first generation iPod Touch that was recently dropped into wet sidewalk cement.
“When I wake up and look outside and see it’s snowing in late April, I feel like God is playing a sick joke on me,” said Gwen Esteves, 26, “but then I’m reminded that God was a lie invented to keep us from panicking about our own mortality. Personally, I no longer fear death. If it’s snows one more time I’m going to go outside and let it claim me.”
Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville has assured customers that the press-ganging of diners into service was a limited-time promotion at their Navy Pier location, and would not be offered at any location “you can’t park a boat outside of.”
Despite temperatures approaching the 50s and into the 60s in coming weeks, Chicagoland resident Aimee Dresden, 31, has announced that she plans to wear her North Face® parka until June, “just to be safe.”
The nightly ritual, which sees a rotation of security personnel stopping by each and every object on display in the museum to lovingly kiss them and whisper “goodnight, sweetie,” has been part of museum protocol since 1987.
However, proponents of the internship insist that many palanquin-bearers go on to do great things—Robert Krulwich’s current cupbearer is a former intern, and innumerable others staff the Gimlet Media ancestral open-concept loft office as scullery maids, rampart guards and more.
EPA officials were seen exiting the site in HAZMAT suits covered in CaramelCrisp™ drizzle and were overheard saying “at least now we don’t have to wait in line for this garbage.”
“The Warmth was in You The Whole Time,” Tearful Heat Lamps Bid Farewell to Chicagoans Till Next Year
After a Winter of bringing a slight change to the frigid temperatures on platforms, Chicago’s CTA heat lamps bid a tearful farewell to the populace as they were turned off till next Winter, saying “We have to go now, dear friends. We just want you to remember, the warmth was in you the whole time.”
Dave Hillger, the self-appointed emperor and sole resident of Davekanda, has already issued dire warnings to any that might encroach on his nation’s soil.
“They probably can’t read the signs” said local dullard Tim Jeffries. “I can’t believe I’m the only one saying this.”