Chicago

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Historic Indie Theater Dedicated to Showcasing Auteur Cinema up to One Times a Week

“They’ve got until 3 AM, then the sprinklers come on,” said Antonopoulos. “I’ll have to be up early to take it off the marquee the next morning.” 

Lightfoot Announces That Starting Jan. 1st You’ll Be Allowed to Smoke Weed at Nick’s House

Some residents on Twitter have called for explicitly looser regulations, citing the numerous places in Chicago where they should be able to “get lit,” “roast a frickin’ J,” and “smogke   a Beg asS bblont on te chrismas traiN [sic].”

Chance the Rapper Becomes Chance the Deep Cleaner in Anticipation of Mother-In-Law’s Visit

“You gotta make sure everything is perfect when Ms. C comes to visit. You don’t want no problem.”

CTA Discontinues Loop-de-Loop Rail Course in Loop

"I loved going through the terrifying experience of being upside down in a slowly moving commuter train. It gave me the ‘pep’ I needed to get through a full day of penny trading. I guess I’ll need to go back to cocaine.”

Environmental Pressures, Decreasing Fish Population Blamed for Chicago Bears’ Losing Season

"I mean, look at Tarik 'Chicken Salad' Cohen. How is a 5’6” 179lb player supposed to maintain enough body fat to sleep in a cave for four months?”

City Introduces New Gladiator Battle Program for Dispensary Licenses

Quite a few hopeful applicants arrived at city hall in the hours after the press conference, aiming to be among the first to chisel their names into the Arena Entrant tablet.

People Who Call It "Charbucks" Beginning To Suspect They Might Be Losing Culture War

"I guess we just kind of assumed if we continued to draw attention to the fact that Starbucks coffee—let’s be frank here—tastes burnt by saying that we called it ‘Charbucks,’ people would eventually develop better taste,” said Louisa Heck, 38, an assistant curator of paintings of blobby baby Jesus for the Art Institute of Chicago."

Disillusioned Chicagoan Excited To Lay Into Some Other Dump On Work Trip

"I hate the streets, I hate the public transit, I hate the weather...but lately it’s all seemed a little rote, you know?"

New Apartment Somehow Four Buses Away From All Trader Joes’ In City

“My last apartment was kind of in the middle of nowhere, so I got used to finding groceries wherever I could—Walgreens, ALDI, the bags of long-grain rice my neighbor threw through my window every Tuesday—your usual neighborhood go-tos. But I thought this new place would change some things.”

Curio Store Owner Really Thought Tarot Boom Would Help Move These Cursed Artifacts

“I think it’ll be a shame if Louis gets pushed out,” said Ursulina Velasquez, who owns the taqueria across the street from the store. “Lord knows the last thing this neighborhood needs is a high rise or a gastropub. And I say that even though Morningstar sold my uncle a cologne that turned him into a big bug.