Chicago
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Wonder Of Wonders! Martin Merchandise Has Returned To The Merchandise Mart—With Textiles In Tow!
Martin Merchandise, heir to the Merchandise Mart fortune, has returned to the city with his personal dirigible o’erflowing with textiles from far and wide.
Art Institute Of Chicago’s Lions Sitting On Museum Director’s Keyboard
“However much we try to train them, at the end of the day they’re wild animals.”
Chicago Recreational Marijuana Shortage Traced to Paul
According to many industry insiders, Paul was spotted on the security camera footage of every single dispensary in the Chicagoland area, in some cases returning multiple times in various disguises in order to get past per-customer maximums.
Man Pushing Way Onto Packed Blue Line Train At 8:30 AM Just Wants To Get In On The Fun
“A lot of times, four or more packed trains will go by before I can get on one,” said Everson, beaming with pure glee. “The train is so popular every single day, and I feel lucky that I even have the opportunity to ride it.”
Mitchell Trubisky Donates 40,000 Interceptions to Defenses in Need
"When you put good in the world you get good out. If I give out interceptions, maybe the universe will give me a kicker… or some pocket protection.”
Metra Quiet Car Converting to Screaming Car Effective January 1st
Workers can scream about any topic they wish once aboard the screaming car, including politics, healthcare premiums, environmental collapse, stagnant wages, gentrification, or simply shriek endlessly into the void until arriving at their destination.
Christmas Miracle! Guy Hit By The Christmas Bus Going to Be Fine
The whole thing played out exactly like the holiday classic “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” only instead of a sweet old granny being bowled over by one of Santa’s enthusiastic pets, it was a man being fully run over by a bus.
Historic Indie Theater Dedicated to Showcasing Auteur Cinema up to One Times a Week
“They’ve got until 3 AM, then the sprinklers come on,” said Antonopoulos. “I’ll have to be up early to take it off the marquee the next morning.”
Lightfoot Announces That Starting Jan. 1st You’ll Be Allowed to Smoke Weed at Nick’s House
Some residents on Twitter have called for explicitly looser regulations, citing the numerous places in Chicago where they should be able to “get lit,” “roast a frickin’ J,” and “smogke a Beg asS bblont on te chrismas traiN [sic].”
Chance the Rapper Becomes Chance the Deep Cleaner in Anticipation of Mother-In-Law’s Visit
“You gotta make sure everything is perfect when Ms. C comes to visit. You don’t want no problem.”
