Alan Giles

Alan Giles's Articles

City Runs Out of Salt, Covers Ground in Herbes de Provence

If the ice situation does not improve by tomorrow, city officials intend to add smoked paprika, freshly cracked black pepper, and garam masala to the mix.

Meet Craven Barnacle: The Mayor of Marina City

Most people don’t make it all the way to the top of these towers. But you have made it, so I must introduce myself. That is the rule!

Social Justice Win: Blackhawks Fix Logo By Adding Speech Bubble That Says “Equal Rights”

The Blackhawks logo, which features the head of Sauk warrior Chief Black Hawk, is arguably one of the most recognizable logos in all of professional sports. While critics claim that using a cartoon version of a respected Native American as a sports logo is culturally insensitive, the ‘Hawks management are positive this new update will clear things up.

Nike Drops New “Chicago Snow Sludge” Air Jordans

Sneakerheads everywhere couldn’t be less enthused by the new Jordans, which are intentionally designed to make the wearer’s feet feel cold and wet upon slipping them on.

Confused Nurse Only Giving Vaccines To High School Seniors

“I remember in our pre-shift meeting we were told to prioritize seniors,” recalled Saffron. “I thought it was strange, but I’m not one to argue with authority. So I took my phials out of the freezer and scoured the hospital for 18-year-olds.”

Chicagoans Rejoice! Malort is Now Whole30-Compliant

"We happen to think Malort tastes like what we imagine Sonic the Hedgehog’s piss would taste like, which would be very good since he is the good guy in his video game. Malort is a natural addition to all of the other delicious foods and drinks you’ll find in the Whole30 pantry.”

6 Tips for Germaphobes Who Still Want to Fuck Nasty

So you’re scared of germs. Your whole life you’ve been a pro at keeping clean, but now you find yourself wondering if you’ll ever get to enjoy having sex. You know, sex?