Chicago
The Latest
CDC Says Vaccinated Americans Can Go Unmasked Outdoors, But Should Keep Metaphorical Masks On Lest The World See The Beast Within
While the updated CDC guidelines would allow for the fully vaccinated to go outside maskless even in group settings so long as social distancing is followed, the new addendum would encourage vaccinated Americans to keep the same hollow eyes and pasted-on smile that’s allowed the monster they truly are to go unnoticed in polite company.
Chicago “Vax Pass” Sold to Ventra
Chicago public health authorities responsible for organizing the city’s planned “vaccination pass” program have sold the project to the company responsible for the CTA Ventra system.
Lincoln Square Reticent To Install Lights At Welles Park, Citing Concerns About Little League Players' Ability To Hit Dingers On Command
“You know what’s going to fix this neighborhood and get us back on our feet?” DuPrix asked. “Watching a guy who’s 90% anabolic steroid by volume just crush homer after homer before trotting around the bases like a particularly surly Newfoundland.”
Thompson Center for Sale Just in Time for Mothers’ Day
Kids looking to skip the traditional — and let’s be honest, underwhelming — flowers or candy or “getting to see her children” gifts they might have turned to in prior years can now place a bid on the Thompson Center through the Illinois Department of Central Management Services, first come, first served!
DePaul To Require Students Be Vaccinated, at Least Agree the Pope Seems Nice
The prestigious University, which hosts more than twenty thousand students annually, had previously this month said it would not require vaccinations, but changed its policy after remembering how gross college kids are.
A Study Revealed That 2/10ths of Chicagoans Can’t Reduce Fractions
The study was extensive. Of Chicago’s 2.71 million residents, 542,000 participated, or 18/360ths of the city’s population. Canvassers went door to door asking Chicagoans to reduce fractions and finish fraction related phrases, such as: ‘My favorite item at McDonald’s is the ___ pounder with cheese’.
Montrose Beach Sanctuary Expanded to Protect Nests Of Even Ugly Birds
“We’ve decided to open our hearts even to birds that have weird scraggly beaks or dust-colored feathers,” announced bird protector Andrew Mingus, 43, at a press conference Saturday. “We may hate and revile them, but I guess they deserve a spot on the beach too.”
Former Chicago Resident Building Entire Center On South Side Just To Remind People He Lived Here
According to locals in the Jackson Park area, Barack Obama, 59, a failed community organizer and autofiction book author who hasn’t lived in Chicago or even Illinois since 2005, is throwing some serious cash around to build the Barack Obama Presidential Center near the University of Chicago campus.
Dog Starting to Worry Body Won’t Be Montrose Dog Beach Ready By Summer
"I’m just so cute, it’s pretty hard for me not to get a treat, you know? Now I look like a fucking hair-covered blimp!"
Wrigley Field Rapidly Culling Bumper Crop From This Season’s Baseball Vine
“They’re popping out along the vine left and right, fully stitched!” exclaimed Cubs Head Gardener Felix Begonia, 75. “We’ve never had a season with this much baseball fruit. If we were fully operational, this would be a gift. We’d be handing out grilled baseballs to the fans, selling them oven-ready at the farmers’ market!”
