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Kris Bryant Returns to Wrigley Field to Pick Up The Rest of His Shit
“I was deeply moved by the gracious reception I received returning to Wrigley Field,” said Bryant of the video tribute and standing ovation in his honor at Friday’s game, “but really I just wanted to come and pick up the rest of my shit. I had some stuff in my locker I didn’t have space to grab during the move, and it means a lot that the guys didn’t take it to a Goodwill.”
Vienna Beef Headquarters Flaunting Increasingly Rococo Style
“When people see the Vienna Beef brand, they associate it with European opulence and glamour,” said PR rep Lambert-Sigisbert Adam, 59, admiring the asymmetrical shells festooning a decorative column on the loading dock. “So we’re aiming to give them more of the same with this remodel.”
Block Party Clearly Just One Family That Wanted to Rent Bouncy Castle
That Saturday, the neighborhood watched as the Kirkman family blocked off Sunnydale and set up the bouncy castle. Much of the other aspects of a typical Chicago block party, neighbors noticed, were absent.
Lincoln Park Zoo Apologizes Again for “Greasy,” the Catalytic Converter Thief Raccoon
Greasy, who has already been convicted several times on counts of larceny, destruction of property, and grand theft auto, has again spent the summer accumulating an impressive pile of parts at his Lincoln Park Zoo habitat. Zoo officials have found it “nigh impossible” to contain Greasy’s criminal streak.
Lake Michigan Rises to Unsettling 90 Degree Angle
Chicago residents have been treated to a rare glimpse of lake dwellers as hundreds of walleye and Chinook salmon were swept up with the rising tides. “It’s like an aquarium but all the fish are kinda gross looking,” noted Kyra Evans, 7. “Living in the lake must be kind of a bummer, if everyone looks like that.”
Michigan Avenue Motorcycle Caravans Challenged to Thunderdome by Road Priest of Lowest Wacker
The Road Priest Chromon of Lowest Wacker has issued a rare public declaration, challenging these riders to a Thunderdome for their flagrant disregard of Chromon’s iron rule.
Checkmate: Rookery to B6
“We’ve never seen this before,” said grandmaster Evan Pollin, 68. “Quite simply, this is unprecedented, and a little weird.”
Architecture Cruise Tour Guide Spices up Tour by Revealing Which Famous Buildings Have Slept Together
First Lady Cruises, which usually doesn’t offer an erotic version of its famous architecture cruise, assured that Robiel’s secret sexual history of Chicago’s skyline was sort of an “off menu option,” not unlike In-N-Out’s “animal style sandwich,” and not an indication of any sort of mental break on the part of the veteran guide.
Chicago’s Olympians Welcomed Back With Garland of Sport Peppers
Sport peppers, the official pepper of sports, have long been awarded to athletes from the Illinois region to symbolize their victory and provide them with a salty, tangy snack to replenish lost vigor.
Morton Rushing to Develop Salt Capable of De-Icing Atmosphere in Office After Layoffs
“In a normal salt-uation, we’d have this handled,” said Pete Renderer, 40, Director of Chemical Research for Morton, in a press conference. “But magnesium chloride only goes down to five degrees, and a single tense sigh from Wendy this morning brought us into the negatives.”
