Chicago
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Aldermen Slam Chicago Postmaster: “All Our Mail Is Made Of Provolone Now”
The problem appeared seemingly overnight. Where once Chicagoans might have encountered paper envelopes and cards in their mailboxes, now there is only provolone, stamped and addressed and piled in damp handfuls.
Guy Using the Word “Liminal” Has Probably Never Even Been Trapped in the Quartz Halls of Balthirexx the Mad
You know what’s really liminal? The ever-multiplying crystal mazes of the mad wizard Balthirexx, which he wove into the very heart of a perfect quartz gemstone for 900 years before going back to school to get an MBA and manage a Church’s Chicken on Stony Island Ave.
Man Calls Dibs on Parking Spot with Car
"I’ve seen people put Christmas decorations in their dibs or even bookshelves, but never an actual car. That’s definitely a flashy way to call dibs!”
Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams Proves Final Nail In The Coffin For Logan Square’s Cool Factor If You Somehow Missed Everything Else That’s Happened There For The Past 7 Years
“Logan Square is officially over,” declared Rory Cheritas, 26, who moved to Logan three years ago and has never known a version of the Milkwaukee Ave. drag that doesn’t include a Furious Spoon ramen shop, Emporium Beercade and multiple taprooms.
Modern Day Heathcliff: Some Guy Has Been Prowling Around The Lakefront, Which Is Basically Chicago’s Version Of The Moors, For Weeks
“It was like watching a Flu Game-era Jordan,” he clarified. “But for brooding.”
Vaccine Offered at Lou Malnati’s After Purchase of 10 Mid-Sized Pies
“Moderna, Pfizer, even that new Johnson & whoever, we’ve got them all in the back,” said store manager Drew Novak, 29, while saucing a deep dish. “So even picky eaters will be able to find something on our menu that suits their tastes, shot-wise.”
Emergency Cargo Shorts Broken Out of Glass Case as Temperatures Hit 50
“I’ve just always been more comfortable in shorts,” said Sanderson, gesturing toward his extremely pale legs, “and like, I know if I wear shorts outside when it’s zero I could permanently damage my testicles, but when it hits above 40, that’s perfect shorts weather.”
Chicago Treats Self To 15% Indoor Dining Increase For Being So Good
“Oh now well I know I probably shouldn’t,” said the 2.7-million-person metropole, 241, “but I’ve just been so good with this whole coronavirus thing so I think I deserve a little reward, don’t you? Plus springtime is just around the corner and I want to have fun!”
CTA Warns Passengers Smoking On Train Will Be Gateway Drug To Chase The Ultimate High Of Smoking The Train Itself
“You could roll it up into a big train joint, I guess,” she said, “probably too big to use in a bong, but maybe if you dismantled the train into smaller segments you could get some rips in...if you could get your hands on a giant’s soda bottle and a big lug nut that’s a train-ready gravity bong with the lake right there…”
Experts Predict a Vibe Based Economy by 2025
The good vibes of this historical moment create an environment where the process of a company going out of business can be very lucrative for its own investors, there are few safer investments than those in the ongoing decay of the domestic economy.
