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Icebreaker Boat Surges Out On Chicago River Like Modern Scott Expedition
Appearing less a humble civic utility vessel than a rime-encrusted juggernaut to the planet’s coldest reaches, this pure symbol of the resilience of the human spirit repeatedly leaped atop the thin sheet of ice covering the river and churned it beneath its tiny but powerful turbine engine.
Development Begins on Top of Frozen Lake Michigan
The new project, dubbed “The Ice District” is only the first of many new projects to take advantage of all this new “land” created by the winter.
Chicago Man Wearing 8 Light Jackets Instead of Single Winter Coat
“The average Chicagoan will maintain a thick layer of 2-3 light jackets throughout the winter.” said Chigaciologist Mollie Parker, 45, from the Lake Michigan Institute of Midwestern Pathologies. “They will then begin to shed them starting in March until late May, at which point their skin will have slowly relearned how to absorb sunlight.”
Dupage County Fairgrounds Opens as Mass Paczki Distribution Center
The center will open with a fresh supply of Roeser’s paczki, although Ezike did not rule out the possibility of administering the Dinkel’s and Andy’s Deli varieties, once supplies become available.
Mariano's Customers Will Now Be Able to Dispose of Their Produce In-Store Immediately After Purchasing It
“At the end of the day, what sets us apart from the competition is that we provide a higher level of service,” said Artie Bulmer, 37, the head of service developments at Kroger, Mariano’s parent company. “And what our research tells us is that Mariano’s customers love buying produce of all shapes and sizes, but they absolutely hate waiting to throw it out until they get home.”
“We Dyed It Red For Valentine’s Day!” Says City Official Hastily Covering Up Mystery Blood In Chicago River
The blood, confirmed to be O Negative by local blood sommelier Amanda Patterson, 29, has not yet been linked back to a source.
Ergonomic Chair Startup Accidentally Reinvents Medieval Torture Device
“We now recognize the unfortunate irony in the project name,” wrote Kurtz, “but we had no idea that our attempt to make a holistic workplace seating solution would result in excruciating pain and a primal fear response from the user.”
Asian Carp Problem in Illinois River to be Solved by Adding Crocodiles to River Followed by Killer Whales to Eat Crocodiles
“Look, we don’t have the time or money for two high-tech fish walls,” said Paul Portokowzik, 53, the head of the Illinois Fish and Game Department, “so we had to think ‘outside the banks,’ a little bit. That’s a river joke, by the way. I’m full of those.”
CTA Installs Heat Lamps for Its Heat Lamps
“For years, we’ve fielded complaints about how weak the heat lamps are at our outdoor CTA stations,” said Morlin VanDel, 43, spokesperson for the CTA. “Today, we do something about it. Keeping our heat lamps warm is our number one priority.”
Entire Vaccine Staff at Tinley Park Convention Center Catches Con Crud
Vaccine technicians interviewed by The Genius Herald reported that their top-of-the-line N95 masks and face shields worn to protect against COVID were useless against the “crud,” even bringing them in closer contact with the convention center’s other disease-bearing denizens.
