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Air And Water Show Stretches Into Second Week As Military Fails To Contain Giant, Radioactive Rahm Emanuel

The first indication that things weren’t going to plan came early on Saturday morning, when Mr. Emanuel, now a 50-foot-tall glowing monstrosity capable of exhaling a devastating atomic heat ray, made his way to the Lakefront from the now-destroyed neighborhood of Ravenswood.

Headliners JB and The Pritzkers Insist They Earned Their Spot At Lollapalooza Just Like Everybody Else

When asked about the disparity between their plum spot in the Lolla lineup and their <1,000 Spotify streams, Linda Pritzer rolled her professionally whitened eyes. “Listen, we sent in an audition CD just like everybody else.”

Capt. Hook Gleefully Renews Humboldt Park Lease

Hook himself expressed great relief that he could continue terrorizing residents now that "that blasted demon of the deep has been vanquished.”

Unmasked: Turns Out the Humboldt Gator Was Just Old Man Richardson Scaring Teens Away From The Treasure of Humboldt Pond

“I guess it was weird that the gator called out ‘leave this place, boooo!’ when I saw it, but I’d never heard an alligator, so I thought ‘hey, maybe they talk like ghosts.’”

Budlong Woods Gharial Feeling Pretty Left Out By Alligator Coverage

“I’m not the scariest-looking prehistoric lizard around to be sure, but look at this,” the gharial said before waddling into a group playdate, playfully snapping her jaws and chirping with a theatrical gusto as young parents screamed and fled the park with their babies.

Gator Bob Hinting This Would Go a Lot Faster If Someone Would Just Nut up and Go Swimming with an Open Wound

“You know, I’m doing the best I can with my traps and such,” Gator Bob said, unloading several pool noodles and two live chickens from the back of his truck, “But there’s only so much I can do until someone bleeding freely from a cut or an orifice decides to step up and go for a swim with the gator.”

Step No More: Rudolph, Steppenwolf Theatre's Steppin' Wolf, Has Died

“The impression that Rudolph made on the Chicago theater community can’t be overstated,” said Anna D. Shapiro, current Artistic Director of the Steppenwolf Theatre Company. “There wasn’t a production at this theater that wasn’t made better by a 20 minute soft-shoe routine featuring that little devil. He will be missed immensely.”

Lime, Bird, Others Dare Chicagoans to “Ride the Lightning” and Try an Electric Scooter

“We are just so excited for the roll-out, pardon the pun, of our electric scooters in Chicago,” said Christina Alverez, a publicist for Lyft, “we looked at factors like Chicago’s sprawl, the aggressiveness of midwestern drivers, and the built-in market of 18-35 year olds with high income who prize convenience over personal safety and thought ‘we might actually get these people to ride these things.’”

What The Hell: Roommate Had Car This Whole Time

“I thought Dave was a bro, but this really cranks it for me,” said a distraught Mason. “I bailed on Greta Van Fleet the last time they played the Rosemont Theatre because I didn’t want to take the blue line all the way up there, and when I told Dave this he just said, ‘damn man, that sucks’ like he couldn’t do anything about it, when he totally could’ve.”

Chicago Horny for Summer

Chicagoans are fuckin’ horned up for Summer. Just absolutely rubbin’ on the carpet, red-faced, rippin’ at their clothes, screaming ‘OOOOW-OOOOOGA!!’