Chicago
The Latest
Lounging Chicago Police Still Somehow Destructive
Officers confirmed that CPD “basically takes an open window as an invitation to go in and do what we want” and “we’ve done dis tons of times, way more than people know. We get sleepy a lot.”
Nature Is Healing! The Mermen Have Returned To Lower Wacker
“FOR TOO LONG WE HAVE DREAMT,” hissed Ichthous Spumous XI, 567, the 7-foot tall King of the Mermen told The Chicago Genius Herald when reporters caught up with him as he patrolled the flooded River Walk.
Six Flags Great America to Reopen for Only One Person at a Time
Until the park fully reopens, however; park management has informed the remaining 5% of staff that they will be performing 100% of the duties.
To Encourage Social Distancing, CTA Encouraging Riders To Ride On Top
Customers will be instructed to board and exit through a small rope ladder on the side of the bus.
Mayor Lightfoot Infiltrates, Then Busts Record-Breaking 1000 Person Fuckfest
Several SWAT teams broke into The Grand Procession Of Sex and started subduing Carnivalgoers with mace, zip ties and handcuffs, much to their delight.
Chicagoan Struggling to Embrace Visible Roots After Two Months Without the Salon
“Benny takes a lot of pride in his hair,” said basketball enthusiast Michael Jordan, 57. “He gets it dyed twice a month. I think it looks awesome, and I hope his natural color isn’t gross.”
Divvy Bikes Going Feral
“The first bike that breaks away from the station, that’s the Alpha Bike,” Bratt explains. “The Alpha will then free the others in that station and form a peloton. From that point on, they’re on the hunt for just one thing: fresh blood.”
Chicago Considers Tapping Into Strategic Pork Reserves Beneath City
The Meat Council, which traditionally exists to ensure everyone in Chicago knows that meat is delicious and what condiments are acceptable, can in times of crisis access the estimated thirty thousand tons of meat products held in vaults, caves and piles under the city.
Environmental Crisis: Trash Threatens to Overtake Last Zoomable Area in Apartment
Towers of empty Old Style cans loomed over the coffee table and a Great Kitchen Garbage Patch of delivery containers marred the once-beautiful views from Sealy’s MacBook camera.
