Chicago

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People Who Call It "Charbucks" Beginning To Suspect They Might Be Losing Culture War

"I guess we just kind of assumed if we continued to draw attention to the fact that Starbucks coffee—let’s be frank here—tastes burnt by saying that we called it ‘Charbucks,’ people would eventually develop better taste,” said Louisa Heck, 38, an assistant curator of paintings of blobby baby Jesus for the Art Institute of Chicago."

Disillusioned Chicagoan Excited To Lay Into Some Other Dump On Work Trip

"I hate the streets, I hate the public transit, I hate the weather...but lately it’s all seemed a little rote, you know?"

New Apartment Somehow Four Buses Away From All Trader Joes’ In City

“My last apartment was kind of in the middle of nowhere, so I got used to finding groceries wherever I could—Walgreens, ALDI, the bags of long-grain rice my neighbor threw through my window every Tuesday—your usual neighborhood go-tos. But I thought this new place would change some things.”

Curio Store Owner Really Thought Tarot Boom Would Help Move These Cursed Artifacts

“I think it’ll be a shame if Louis gets pushed out,” said Ursulina Velasquez, who owns the taqueria across the street from the store. “Lord knows the last thing this neighborhood needs is a high rise or a gastropub. And I say that even though Morningstar sold my uncle a cologne that turned him into a big bug.

Grizzled CTA Passenger Tells Legend of Express Train That Never, Ever Stops

“T’ain’t no reason to be lookin’ up at the screens, friends. At this time of night the trains become wilder, more unpredictable. They say at this time of night the express train that never, ever stops roams these tracks, not pickin’ up passengers, just leavin’ folks standing in the cold, frustrated and delayed.”

Strike Over! Lori Lightfoot Has Announced She's Giving Chicago Teachers Tickets To Imagine Dragons At Lincoln Yards

“That’s...not actually how any of this works,” said a nonplussed rep for the CTU, presumably stunned into speechlessness by the opportunity to see the pop megastars responsible for “Radioactive,” “Thunder” and “Whatever It Takes.” “We’re currently still negotiating. Mayor Lightfoot can’t just...we’re not interested in tickets to Imagine Dragons.”

Gesticulating Architecture Tour Guide Accidentally Traces Dread Sign of Flauros In Air

His enthusiastic gestures towards Chicago’s midcentury masterpieces immediately began summoning the demon and his thirty-six legions to our mortal plane, a hail of fire emitting from the top deck of Chicago’s Classic Lady.

Completed Cloud Gate Given Brushed Steel Finish

Josie Wilson, a Logan Square resident who attended the unveiling ceremony, agrees with the artist: “You can finally just enjoy the bean-shape without being confronted by your own reflection.”

Old Guy in Oil Portrait at Library Was Probably a Really Good Dude

"If his portrait is hanging here, I think it’d be safe to assume that he was a pretty good person."

Popularity of Air & Water Show Inspires Spin-Off Earth & Fire Show

The week-long event will be held in and around Soldier Field and will feature various earth and fire-themed exhibitions like mud wrestling, monster trucks, fireworks, and bonfires all culminating in a pitched tank battle with the US Army’s “Dirt Angels.”