Exhausted, Glowing Tom Skilling Warns His Powers Can't Keep Polar Vortex Away Much Longer
Skilling, who has been off the air since early March to recover from surgery, emerged from his stasis pod early Sunday and announced, “A tempest grows in the north,” before erupting in green light.
City Officials Urge Chicagoans To Social Distance “At Least Eight Polish Sausage Lengths” Between Self And Others
For those who don’t eat pork, this is equivalent to about nine Vienna all-beef hot dogs.
Illinois State Board of Elections Implements Sanitary New "Vote by Darts" Method
“I guess I’m glad they’re almost taking this pandemic thing seriously, but...I really suck at darts. My first two votes went into the wall and they said those ‘all count for Joe Biden’? I think I just voted for Joe Biden twice.”
City Dyes Chicago River With Purell for St. Patrick's Day
This year, spectators are invited to stand no closer than twelve feet apart and to promise to turn and face the other direction when this year’s special float, “A Salute to Chicago’s Oldest Citizens,” rolls by.
City Grieves As Millennium Park Shifts Into Neutral, Slides Into Lake
SITE OF OLD MILLENNIUM PARK — Thousands of Chicagoans gathered together to mourn Tuesday morning as officials confirmed that Millennium Park had shifted into neutral and disappeared into Lake Michi
Not Great: Apparently by 21XX Chicago Is Called "Xyberxhixago" and the Mayor Is a Computer
This inconvenient news comes to us courtesy of a tear in the space-time continuum that’s opened up in our breakroom, which is allowing our reporters access to the world of the future and also creating a really horrible draft.
Study: Chicago Improv Audiences Will Run out of Suggestions by 2030
“If you’re an improv group, just get one suggestion and then keep it. Reuse it for every show. That’s the only way we’re gonna save the planet’s delicate improv ecosystem.”
Scientists Warn Rising Temperatures Could Thaw Rowdy Cubs Fans Well Before Opening Day
“Traditionally, cold temperatures through March and strong easterly winds keep the city’s beefiest baseball boys preserved in stasis until just before opening day.”
CTA Rebrands to CTS After Realizing No One Can Claim Authority, We Are All Students of Life
“No one can claim authority, for we are all forever students of life.”
Local Homeowner Creates Epic Ice Skating Rink on Sidewalk for the Whole Neighborhood to Enjoy
"A few of them don’t quite seem to have their ‘skater’s legs’ yet, but that’s okay. They’ll get there soon enough!"