Chicago

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Man Pushing Way Onto Packed Blue Line Train At 8:30 AM Just Wants To Get In On The Fun

“A lot of times, four or more packed trains will go by before I can get on one,” said Everson, beaming with pure glee. “The train is so popular every single day, and I feel lucky that I even have the opportunity to ride it.”

Mitchell Trubisky Donates 40,000 Interceptions to Defenses in Need

"When you put good in the world you get good out. If I give out interceptions, maybe the universe will give me a kicker… or some pocket protection.”

Metra Quiet Car Converting to Screaming Car Effective January 1st

Workers can scream about any topic they wish once aboard the screaming car, including politics, healthcare premiums, environmental collapse, stagnant wages, gentrification, or simply shriek endlessly into the void until arriving at their destination.

Christmas Miracle! Guy Hit By The Christmas Bus Going to Be Fine

The whole thing played out exactly like the holiday classic “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” only instead of a sweet old granny being bowled over by one of Santa’s enthusiastic pets, it was a man being fully run over by a bus.

Historic Indie Theater Dedicated to Showcasing Auteur Cinema up to One Times a Week

“They’ve got until 3 AM, then the sprinklers come on,” said Antonopoulos. “I’ll have to be up early to take it off the marquee the next morning.” 

Lightfoot Announces That Starting Jan. 1st You’ll Be Allowed to Smoke Weed at Nick’s House

Some residents on Twitter have called for explicitly looser regulations, citing the numerous places in Chicago where they should be able to “get lit,” “roast a frickin’ J,” and “smogke   a Beg asS bblont on te chrismas traiN [sic].”

Chance the Rapper Becomes Chance the Deep Cleaner in Anticipation of Mother-In-Law’s Visit

“You gotta make sure everything is perfect when Ms. C comes to visit. You don’t want no problem.”

CTA Discontinues Loop-de-Loop Rail Course in Loop

"I loved going through the terrifying experience of being upside down in a slowly moving commuter train. It gave me the ‘pep’ I needed to get through a full day of penny trading. I guess I’ll need to go back to cocaine.”

Environmental Pressures, Decreasing Fish Population Blamed for Chicago Bears’ Losing Season

"I mean, look at Tarik 'Chicken Salad' Cohen. How is a 5’6” 179lb player supposed to maintain enough body fat to sleep in a cave for four months?”

City Introduces New Gladiator Battle Program for Dispensary Licenses

Quite a few hopeful applicants arrived at city hall in the hours after the press conference, aiming to be among the first to chisel their names into the Arena Entrant tablet.