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“ZooDarks” Event in Lincoln Park Zoo Unveils Black Hole in Middle of Reptile House
Visitors can seek relief from the glistening holiday decorations bedecking the zoo by entering the Reptile House and admiring a few of the snakes and lizards before crossing the event horizon and being sucked into the hole.
Santa Tracker Update: Santa’s Sleigh Ticketed Again for Parking in Overnight Parking Ban Zone
Santa was reportedly able to fly away just as a Lincoln Towing vehicle pulled up.
Midwest Furfest Theme “Intergalactic” Massive Disappointment After Everyone Goes As The Dog Who Went to Space
“Laika has swag,” said FurFest regular Archie Tucker, 27. “Everybody wants to be Laika; they want that cosmos-bound Soviet dog flavor, you know. That 1950s orbital fuckability.”
Walgreens Cooler Screen Playing Shrek 2 Again
The doors started to play Shrek 2 in its entirety on a loop early this week. Employees have tried multiple solutions short of reading the manual, but Shrek remains.
Starbucks Roastery Offers Union Members Free Tour of Giant Coffee Vats Someone Might Fall Into, God Forbid
Once inside, multiple workers pointed out what appeared to be human skulls bobbing at the surface of the industrial-sized vats of joe, but Wilder assured the special guests that they were merely “coffee bones.”
Starbucks Reserve Roastery Begins Roasting The Bean
“Like many businesses we’ve been facing supply chain issues,” said Candie Jameson, 43, a Senior Bean Counter (literal) for at the Starbucks Reserve Roastery. “And by utilizing this great natural resource in the center of our city, we expect to be able to keep our customers regular for years to come.”
Music Box Staff Frantically Rehearsing Choreography After Misplacing “White Christmas”
When the theater staff was unable to locate the film for the showing this weekend, staff scrambled to avoid disappointing moviegoers, landing on an unusual solution: current reports indicate that employees are attempting to rehearse and stage the famous musical — live — in the days preceding the planned event.
The CTA Holiday Train is Back, and This Year’s Theme is Presidents Day
This year's train will not only feature a spectacular light display, but also quiet reverence for the men who have served this nation as commander in chief. The train will travel all the CTA train lines from now until the week of Christmas, which has been the theme for the last several years.
Omicron Variant’s Friends and Family Keep Warning It About the Crime and Cold Weather Before Spreading to Chicago
“It’s cheaper than New York, has excellent food, and I look forward to finishing off what’s left of the improv scene. I’ll just buy a big coat, it’s not that bad.”
Oh No: The New Chicago Ward Map Is Out, and One of the Wards Is Dick-Shaped
City Clerk Anna M. Valencia said "We’re disappointed that somebody has penetrated this sacred, untarnished, trustworthy, respectable, clean, honorable, working process and made it a childish joke."
