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Area Gym Only Letting Members Cancel With Blood Sacrifice to Moloch

Despite the hefty price, their management insists the process is so simple that anyone with enough blood can do it.

Graceland Cemetery Fundraising With Eternal Silence Kissing Booth

Eternal Silence, 112, has long been a main graveyard attraction, often drawing visitors hoping to look into his eyes and foresee their own deaths. “So we’re taking that existing appeal, and remixing it with some really fun flirty Halloween visuals,” said Graceland marketing exec Patty Servantis, 32, in a team video conference earlier this week. “How can we reimagine our biggest stars in new and exciting ways, maybe through kissing or even second base? These are the kinds of questions I’m interested in unpacking with the fundraising committee.”

Flamingo Sculpture Pales Due to Reduced Plankton Intake

Flamingo, erected in 1974, has long used a filter-feed method to feast on brine shrimp, local algae and passing commuters, using its 50-ton steel frame to trap and eat even the largest insect larvae and cyanobacteria the city has to offer. Lately, though, the sculpture has struggled to hunt down its typical quantity of animal and plant plankton, causing its paint to fade to a fleshy pastel pink.

Bears Purchase Land in Arlington Heights, Announce Plans to Settle Down, Marry Rebecca, Have Kids

“Rebecca has been calling it ‘Bachelor Field,’ and she’s right. It smells like a bunch of sweaty dudes have been in here for fifty years, which is largely because there’s been a bunch of sweaty dudes in here for fifty years.”

Chicago Cultural Center Develops Yeast Infection

Thankfully, the infection was caught early, allowing Dr. Deferens to treat the issue quickly. “No one’s coming in for a few days,” Deferens remarked. “And we’ve inserted Monistat antifungal cream into the Tiffany glass dome. That should do the trick.”

The Genius Herald Remembers: Granddad, Shedd Aquarium's Sleepy Superstar

Long before his death on February 5th, 2017 and before he was even welcomed to his forever home at Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium back in 1933, Granddad the Lungfish had lived a full life.

Chicago Scientists Discover Extremophile Stock Boy in Mariano’s Trench

“Imagine a stock worker who can survive in the most extreme conditions,” recounted mission team leader Kyle Margarite, 44. “We’re talking no 15 minute breaks, plus it can be working in the walk-in beer freezer for hours without succumbing to the cold.”

Facing Budget Cuts, Immersive Van Gogh Replaced With Fireplace for Your Home: Birchwood Edition

“The intermittent ads really detracted from the whole thing,” said attendee Mary Powers, 23. “I was just getting in the zone when we got hit with a full three minute trailer for the new Matrix film, which looks like it rips by the way.”

Kris Bryant Returns to Wrigley Field to Pick Up The Rest of His Shit

“I was deeply moved by the gracious reception I received returning to Wrigley Field,” said Bryant of the video tribute and standing ovation in his honor at Friday’s game, “but really I just wanted to come and pick up the rest of my shit. I had some stuff in my locker I didn’t have space to grab during the move, and it means a lot that the guys didn’t take it to a Goodwill.”

Vienna Beef Headquarters Flaunting Increasingly Rococo Style

“When people see the Vienna Beef brand, they associate it with European opulence and glamour,” said PR rep Lambert-Sigisbert Adam, 59, admiring the asymmetrical shells festooning a decorative column on the loading dock. “So we’re aiming to give them more of the same with this remodel.”