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Official Wishes Pilsen Residents Could Be More Civil About Critiquing City Plans to Displace, Destroy Local Communities

City officials responsible for the plan pushed back against the push-back, calling it “mean.”

Elderman Easily Bests Aldermen In City Age-Off

“I’m older than all of you,” said the Elderman.

Unopened School Buildings to Be Turned Into Condos as District Decides on Reopening Plan

“What makes a school, really?” Ashbury asked, clicking into a Google Doc entitled “Condo Ideas” with the phrases “big glass + grey + plastic?” and “expensive + bad heating systems + 32-year-olds” bolded for emphasis. “

Lightfoot Warns "We're Heading Back to Phase 3 if You Don't Stop Going to the Bars I Opened"

“Look, I know we’ve moved to Phase 4 and indoor dining and hanging out in bars are allowed,” said Mayor Lightfoot, “but I can’t stress enough how disappointed I am that you’re actually doing it.” 

Malnati Family Bungles Attempted Hit on Netflix Execs After “Emily in Paris” Insults

The assassins resorted to spreading pizza sauce all over Bajaria’s office, but are clearly seen slipping and falling in the mess multiple times before being able to leave the room.

Art Institute Curators Worry Limited Visitors Will Stunt Portraits’ Social Development

“These subjects in Edward Hopper’s Nighthawks haven't stopped drinking since March. They say it’s coffee but I don’t believe that for a minute.”

A Somber John Kass Has Asked to Be Excused From the Dinner Table Because He Thought About an Imaginary Leftist and Spoiled His Appetite

“I’m sorry,” Kass is reported to have mumbled after a full ten minutes of silence elapsed without responding to his wife’s question of whether he liked the casserole or not. “I have thought about a leftist whose politics don’t align with my own and no longer wish to eat. May I be excused?”

A Vain Prince Is Still Trapped Within The Lookingglass Theatre Looking Glass

Lookingglass Theatre has long been a repository for enchanted artifacts from many of the playhouses around town, from Michael Shannon’s Seven League Boots to David Schwimmer’s original face, but its enchanted Looking Glass remains one of the most potent—and dangerous. Despite this, it’s prominently placed next to the concession area within the lobby.

Lightfoot Set to Remove City's Outdated Lead Pipes, Revolvers, Candlesticks, Ropes, Daggers, and Wrenches

“I found lead pipes in my kitchen. And dining room. And lounge. It’s an epidemic.”

Chicago Invokes Ancient Alliance With Cheese Castle, Bristol Ren Faire to Secure Northern Border

The military forces, composed of “as many goode Pikes and Halberds as our Captains could muſter, and several Mechanicall Engines of ingenious make” will enforce Chicago’s updated travel order starting Thursday.