Chicago
The Latest
Chicago Man Triggers Speed Camera by Thinking About Speeding
The new intelligent anti-speed system was implemented earlier this year after Lori Lightfoot declared that the previous 6 mph threshold wasn’t bringing in enough revenue for the city, reportedly saying that “[We’ve] got a casino to build and I promised the police chief I’d get them a nuke.”
Area Landlords Announce Plan to Just Paint Over It
“Before now we’ve only painted over things like water damage, electrical outlets, and holes in the wall,” said Lagassi. “But by 2023 our goal is to get all Chicagoland landlords to expand this to things like broken microwaves, insect infestations, and possibly even small fires.”
Willie Wilson to Give Away More Gas, This Time Hidden in Treasure Chests Around the City
According to Wilson, the gas giveaways will continue as long as prices remain high. Wilson is considering new methods for his next giveaway, including mailing gas to people and dropping gas on the city from one of those helicopters they use to put out forest fires.
Green Dye Filtered Out of River and Returned to Chicago’s Relish Supply
The vibrant green dye will now be returned to where it belongs, our city’s relish supply.
Pileup on the 606, Over 30 Shoes Scuffed
“It was carnage,” said runner Aubrey Howard, 28. “I was probably 20, 30 meters away when I saw the pileup happening, but at that range there’s really no avoiding it. As a runner, if I have to stop, or go around something, I will literally die.”
CTA Narrows Down Search for Private Security Team to “Seven Wandering Ronin” or “Experimental Law-Cyborg”
“Clearly this is a hard decision. Both groups have laid out impressive strategies for keeping Chicago’s trains safe, but ultimately we’re going with whoever makes the most sense for the city’s budget without taking one thin dime away from the police force.”
City Passes Bill Requiring All CPD Bullets Be Organic
At press time, Lightfoot was reportedly working on an executive order to replace riot control’s metal batons with ones made from banana trees.
Chicago Residents Across City Sighted Hissing, Baring Fangs at Sun
In Bridgeport, one of our tippers, Di Champaign, 61, reported that she saw an entire family of four alternately gnaw on the exterior of their station wagon and howl in terror, shying away from any attempts to calm them. “The Trevors had always been so normal,” Cunningham reported, “So it was pretty shocking to see them entirely ruin the nice leatherette inside that car by shitting and pissing in agony.”
Catholics Consider Just Giving Up For Lent
“Most people choose to give up a vice like alcohol, sugar or sports betting for lent,” said Father Oscar Rivera, 53, “as a way to show Jesus ‘I’m not addicted, I can quit anytime I want.’ I’m getting more and more questions from my congregation about just giving up completely for Lent. Really just saying ‘fuck it.’ Personally I say go for it. It’s easier than giving up sports betting, let me tell you.”
Crime Rate Expected to Drop to Zero as Chicago Adopts Justice Reform Initiative Suggested by Indiana Man in Facebook Comment
MICHIGAN CITY, IN – Crime in Chicago is expected to drop to zero as the city adopts a comprehensive justice reform package first suggested in a Facebook comment by Buck Johnson, 72, of Michigan Cit
