Chicago
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Ald. Ray Lopez’ City Council Seat Dibbed
Just before press time, both Ald. Lopez’ Brighton Park and West Englewood offices were found filled floor-to-ceiling with chairs, and Ald. Lopez was en route to the 15th Ward with a chainsaw. The Chicago Genius Herald will keep you updated as the situation develops.
CTA Updates All Arrival Times to Question Marks
“Before, when I’d be waiting on a platform and the scheduled train didn’t appear, I’d feel a horrible chill as the ghost train went by.” said Janet Taylor, 43. “But now I look at the schedule screen and smile, knowing that they’re no longer tormented by a schedule they can’t keep. They’re finally at rest in their final destination, hell.”
WBEZ Acquires Chicago-Sun Times, Docks It Outside Navy Pier
“WBEZ has always been a nautical organization,” said Charles Willhamshire-Smith, 54, Vice-Admiral of public relations for WBEZ, “so it was important for us to relocate The Sun-Times to the watery bosom of Lake Michigan. The water is what gives WBEZ its signature flavor.”
Chicago City Council Agrees to Redraw Ward Map Tavern Style
“This was the only equitable way to divide up the city,” said Rossana Rodriguez-Sanchez, alderman for the 33rd Ward. “It’s already built on a grid pattern so it makes sense. Also we’re placing one of those plastic three-legged table thingies in the center of the city.”
Cases of People Talking Way Too Loud About Cryptocurrency up 1000% As Barstool Sports Bar Opens in River North
“Oh yeah, there were a lot of guys in here yelling over each other about how great crypto is all weekend,” said Tiffani Carter, 26, a server at Barstool, “the stoolies get really fired up about topics like crypto, sports, and age of consent laws. They always end up yelling even though they agree with each other.”
Mayor Lightfoot Hastily Installs Bridges She Can Raise in Front of CPS Schools
“Trust me, the idea to install bridges and raise them to send a message to the CTU makes way more sense than when she wanted to install bridges to block COVID instead of reinstituting the mask mandate.”
Local Hero Really on Top of Warming Lamp Button
“The lamps are amazing,” she said, shivering. “It feels like I put the top half of my head in a microwave. The bottom 95% of my body is so jealous right now.”
Kids Sent Home So They Don’t See CPS and CTU Fighting
“I woke up this morning and my mom told me school was canceled,” said Megan Tootles, 9, a fifth grader in CPS, “and then she told me that it wasn’t my fault, and that sometimes fights just happen between adults.”
Chicago Vaccine Mandate Opponents Take Advantage of “Just Let Them in if They’re Really Fucking Annoying About It” Loophole
“If someone starts sobbing and begging and saying they’ll piss everywhere if they don’t get deep-dish pizza, I’m probably just going to let them in so they’ll shut up. I don’t really care if my boss has to pay a fine, honestly at this point I don’t really feel anything.”
“ZooDarks” Event in Lincoln Park Zoo Unveils Black Hole in Middle of Reptile House
Visitors can seek relief from the glistening holiday decorations bedecking the zoo by entering the Reptile House and admiring a few of the snakes and lizards before crossing the event horizon and being sucked into the hole.
