The Latest

Chicago Style Heat Wave: Chicagoans Announce Junk Feels Like Wet Italian Beef

“It’s so hot, my junk feels like a mound of thinly sliced roast beef that’s been left to simmer in its own au jus,” said a source who asked to remain anonymous due to the graphic descriptions they gave us of their genitals.

Devastating: Girlfriend Wants to Do Something Outside Today

“We should hit the beach!” she threatened. “I think Eliza is free today? Or we could just walk around Winnemac or something.”

Soldier Field to Be Made Into Mattress Firm if Bears Move to Arlington Heights

“Tickets to Bears games start at around $90. Admission to Mattress Firm will be free, and I’m offering 10% off all Sealy and Serta mattresses on game days.”

Lincoln Park Woman Bravely Admits She Doesn’t Like Poodle Mixes

“What does the ‘D’ in doodle even stand for,” she shouted/queried as we ran away. “Dog?”

Gas Prices Soar, Yet Still The Bean Thirsts

“You are familiar with the water cycle, no? This is very much similar,” said Delorian. “Think of digestive system also. Bean creates gas, yes? Therefore gas creates Bean.”

Running of the Chicago Bulls Returns to Spain After Two Years

“The people of Pamplona cherish the tradition of running with the Chicago Bulls,” said Will Bryen, 56, the Chicago Bulls international liaison, “and after two years away, the Bulls are excited too. They’re ready to get out there, chase some Spaniards around, and have a good time.”

Blue Line Rider, Driver on I90 Lock Eyes, Wish for Each Other’s Lives

Making eye contact while their respective modes of transportation traveled briefly at the same speed, both women found themselves wishing for each other’s lives. 

As Pride Month Ends, City Bids Farewell to Gay Chicagoans

“You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here,” says an exhausted, overglittered, allied-out city. 

Chicago Trans Woman Holds Kink-Positive, Cop-Free Pride Festival in Bathroom Stall With Girlfriend

“We needed to create a space where queer people could feel loved without worrying about corporations hijacking their identities or fascists policing their bodies. We also needed a space where I could get some bomb head.”

Local Gay Man Disappointed by Shedd Otter Encounter

Fortunately, Spalding is on the rebound. Genius Herald reporters last spotted the Rogers Park resident enthusiastically purchasing tickets for a meet-and-greet with the Chicago Bears.