Chicago Rings in New Year With Traditional Bean Drop
“What better opportunity to contemplate how I’ve been doing the past couple years by watching my own reflection fall to the ground and shatter into a thousand pieces.”
Southwest Airlines Tells Passengers at Midway They Might Want to Start Forming Own Society
“We understand people are upset, and we’re working hard to issue chunks of flint to all our passengers.”
Chicagoans Brace for Record-Breaking Radiator Heat Wave
“We’re looking at a real chance for a ‘shorts and tee Christmas’".
Santa Claus Blasting Cigs on the Holiday Train
Jolly old Saint Nicholas himself has been spotted lighting up a dart on the Holiday Train.
Chicagoan Not Sure if It’s Debilitating Social Anxiety, or if They Just Have to Take Two Buses to Get There
“I would rather never speak to anyone again than wait for the 82 after already going through the emotional labor of catching the 80.”
James Cameron Confirms That Avatar 2 is Set in Lake Michigan
"Let’s see Neytiri get blasted on hard seltzers and fly a dragon into the Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville on Navy Pier. Maybe they find some ‘unobtainium’ at the bottom of the lake, who knows!"
CTA Solves Driver Shortage by Welding Drivers’ Doors Shut
“We’re making sure that driver safety and comfort is considered,” said Borle. “There’s windows, so we can pass them food and water. Ugh, I can tell you all are wondering about bathroom breaks. Look, I don’t want to say it. You’re going to get mad at me.”
Ald. Burke Announces He’s Retiring to Spend More Time With Schemes
“It’s been a long, beautiful career,” said Burke. “And I plead the fifth.”
CTA to Install Device That Plays Welcoming Jingle When Someone Opens the Doors Between Train Cars
“Best case scenario it’s someone running from something in their car, worst case scenario it’s a group of teenagers. We’ve determined that if a fun jingle played when the door opened, it might make everyone involved feel more welcome.”
Local Man Balances Being Supportive of Comedian Friends, Never Actually Having to Attend An Improv Show
"There’s a delicate coordination to still seem proud of your friends for following their dreams, and never having to give suggestions from uncomfortable chairs in dusty performance spaces."