Lightfoot Set to Remove City's Outdated Lead Pipes, Revolvers, Candlesticks, Ropes, Daggers, and Wrenches
“I found lead pipes in my kitchen. And dining room. And lounge. It’s an epidemic.”
The military forces, composed of “as many goode Pikes and Halberds as our Captains could muſter, and several Mechanicall Engines of ingenious make” will enforce Chicago’s updated travel order starting Thursday.
“With sports betting now on your phone, you can take gambling anywhere! On the toilet, in your home office, or out behind your recently re-mortgaged house where your spouse can’t find you.”
Scientists Warn That Warming Temperatures Put Chicago "Dangerously Close" To Ideal Conditions For ‘Predator 2’ Remake
We’re rapidly approaching what climatologists consider the "Predator 2 tipping point".
Chicagoans are wondering: should they get their flu shots? The answer to their question is yes.
“Nowadays people don’t want a generous porch, or beautifully recessed windows. They want to feel like they’re living inside John Wick’s House,” said Michael Matthew Carter, 42, project manager for Platinum.
“Fuck, I’m gonna miss that boat, dude. She was good, and pure, and I had sex on it,” Gregg said, sighing heavily. “When you have a boat, you don’t even remember what it’s like not to have a boat.”
“No one said how low they wanted the bridges, just that they wanted them lower,” said Mayor Lightfoot. “It’s not my problem if you all ‘monkey pawed’ yourselves.”
“The Nordstrom on Mag Mile was my Chicago ‘happy place,’” said Danelle Harris, 60, retired, from Mount Prospect, IL. “When I start feeling out of place in the big city at least I could go in and condescend to an hourly employee about something obviously outside their control. You can’t find that experience elsewhere in the city. Or at least I’ve never looked.”
“Look at them. All glittered up and nowhere to go. I want these white people to know that they can use their party drugs while social distancing and still get the same legally-overlooked high as they would at Lolla.”