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Retirement-Age Cop Worried About How Many Tanks, Berettas He’ll Realistically Be Able to Afford on $62,000-A-Year Pension

"I’m prepared to make some sacrifices. Like the grenade launcher. I’m prepared to only buy one, instead of the three I’d like to really splurge on."

Six Dead After Brutal Lou Malnati's and Giordano's Feud Reignites

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Chicago, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, 
Where secret sauce makes personal pans unclean.

Lightfoot Urges Caution on 4th of July to Crowd Actively Lighting Fireworks

“I can’t stress this enough, people. You just need to not get insane, lit, faded, goofed up, destroyed, wrecked, blended, wasted, or drunk all weekend,” the Mayor said, nearly inaudible over the din of firecrackers, poppers, and an increasingly loud chant for the Mayor to do a kegstand.

Woman Who Went Home at Start of Pandemic Returns to City in Covert HALO Insertion

The following day Emily reportedly posted on Instagram with a selfie of her in her apartment with a caption “Ugh stuck in this place for months! Who’s ready for phase 4?!”

Conscientious Riot Cop Struggling To Practice Appropriate Social Distancing During Protests

“I’d like to spend the recommended two weeks in self-isolation after every time I violently oppress unarmed protesters, but unfortunately that’s just not in the cards.”

Lori Lightfoot Thanks All Protestors Who Peacefully Stayed Home, Didn’t Make Signs or Call Her Office

“Protesting is American,” said Mayor Lightfoot, “But it is critical that Chicagoans do it in a way that does not disrupt business or make anyone feel uncomfortable. So when I see folks try to take advantage of a tragic situation by expressing their anger in a tangible way, that is simply unacceptable.”

Leaked: Chicago Tribune’s Cancel Culture Hit Piece Template

The petition demanded [list of demands, but make them sound scary]. These, at a time when [reason why change is scary] are insurmountable demands.

Mayor Lightfoot Debuts Police Reform Plan to Change the C in CPD to “Cool”

“I’ve heard the voices of our citizens in the streets, and while I cannot defund the police, I can re-fun the police!” 

Local Sex Shop Offering New Edible Face Masks For Couples

"We noticed many other retailers had started making face masks, and that’s when it hit us: why not put a pleasurable spin on this social distancing necessity?"

Lounging Chicago Police Still Somehow Destructive

Officers confirmed that CPD “basically takes an open window as an invitation to go in and do what we want” and “we’ve done dis tons of times, way more than people know. We get sleepy a lot.”