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“You Gotta Be F--King Kidding Me,” Says Mayor Lightfoot, Reading Saw IV Plot Summary on Wikipedia During Zoom Meeting

“I regret swearing on mic, but in this instance I’m glad I looked up the plot,” the mayor continued. “Now I’ll be prepared for the muted man to kill the blind man in order to obtain the key from the blind man’s collar, and it will scare me less now that I know it’s coming.”

Nike Drops New “Chicago Snow Sludge” Air Jordans

Sneakerheads everywhere couldn’t be less enthused by the new Jordans, which are intentionally designed to make the wearer’s feet feel cold and wet upon slipping them on.

Bike Lane Converted To Dual-Purpose Slush And Dog Piss Lane

“I love it, man,” said little dog owner Matt Andrews, 45. “My number one problem with my small dog in the winter is she doesn’t have enough places to pee. Like we’ll walk miles and miles and she won’t have anything to sniff or inspire her to lift her weird little shaved leg. But she loves this new lane.”

Confused Nurse Only Giving Vaccines To High School Seniors

“I remember in our pre-shift meeting we were told to prioritize seniors,” recalled Saffron. “I thought it was strange, but I’m not one to argue with authority. So I took my phials out of the freezer and scoured the hospital for 18-year-olds.”

Earliest Flop Era Ever? This Woman Is A Baby

“Unfortunately in today’s hypercompetitive girlboss world, if you’re not on top? You’re a flop,” explains Columbia College’s professor of Flopology Truman Andrew Truman, 43. “And from what I’ve been told, Ms. Walters-Pervas polls in the bottom 5th percentile for recognizability even among women in her age cohort, the highly competitive 0–3 bracket.”

With Snow Levels Blocking Trash Pickup, Chicago Deploys Vermin-led Trash Sleds

Across the city, many Chicagoans woke up not to the beeping and mechanical crunches of their usual trash trucks, but instead the cacophonous sound of hundreds of animals pulling sleds piled with garbage like that one part in How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966).

Bad to Worse: This COVID-19 Patient Just Got Diagnosed With a Case of the Februaries

Palma, sent home from the hospital with a playlist called “Sad Songs To Contemplate Your Dying Plants To” and a small bag of cough drops, has been struggling to adjust to life with his new symptoms.

Mayor Lightfoot Donates All Her Block's Snowfall to Nearby Neighborhood

Snow plows — the nice city ones, not the rusty independent contractors that look like cars from Mad Max — have been keeping the affluent block around Mayor Lightfoot’s residence virtually snow free since Tuesday, taking the large volumes of snow to nearby streets like Sawyer Ave and Bernard St and placing them, somewhat gently, on cars, fire hydrants, and children.

Icebreaker Boat Surges Out On Chicago River Like Modern Scott Expedition

Appearing less a humble civic utility vessel than a rime-encrusted juggernaut to the planet’s coldest reaches, this pure symbol of the resilience of the human spirit repeatedly leaped atop the thin sheet of ice covering the river and churned it beneath its tiny but powerful turbine engine.

Development Begins on Top of Frozen Lake Michigan

The new project, dubbed “The Ice District” is only the first of many new projects to take advantage of all this new “land” created by the winter.